Me.

I'm tired of being someone else for someone else.

I have been the dirt-bike girl,

I have been the K-State football fanatic,

I have been the health freak,

I have been the honors student,

I have been put-together, always dressed up.

I have been casual, shorts and a pony-tail.

I have been non-demanding, un-controlling, spontaneous.

I have been sports-y, philosophical and even flirty.

But those aren't the real me::

I get scared going down hills on a bicycle, let alone a dirt-bike. I'm a little break-happy.

I love watching the running back catch the ball and run down the field fast, but I still don't understand what a first down is.

I love ice cream, sweethearts, starburst, twizzlers...I have candy in my room at all times. I couldn't live without the occasional frappacino.

I get good grades, but it doesn't come naturally. I have to study for hours to pass tests. I took the ACT 3 times and went through various ACT Prep classes.

I hate wearing sweatpants in public, I love to dress up. I don't like pony-tails, and I'm insecure about my profile.

I'm a planner. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I hate waiting on people to make decisions. If I decide a time to do something, I'll be on time, not 15 minutes late.

I love sports, but I'm average at everything. I despise arguing and debating.

My favorite thing to do is to spend time with the people I care about. My love language is quality time. I love sitting and talking and learning about people's hearts.

I can be alone and be just fine. I internally process EVERYTHING, and I'm always thinking about something.

I love being outside. Hiking and camping are great, but only if there's a tent, bug repellent and hand sanitizer.

I'm a journal-er, and I think deeply about everything around me. Shallow people annoy me.

I'm from the city--I do city-girl things like go to book stores and shopping malls and coffee shops.

I love writing, but I'm afraid of anyone ever reading my work.

I want to be a speaker, but I get nervous in front of people.

I have big dreams, but I'm afraid to say them out loud.

I don't have it all together. Sometimes I sit in my room and cry for no reason. Sometimes I wish I was someone else--someone who has life figured out. I've made mistakes, I'm not perfect.

I'm not funny. I don't do well when I meet strangers. I close up in big groups. When it gets loud I get quiet.

I know, big suprise. I'm not who you thought I am.

But someday someone will get to know the me I keep hidden, and won't wish I was any different.

Right?

Discoveries

I discovered three really amazing, life-changing things this past weekend.

1-Stem. It's this machine that the trainer hooked up to my IT band (outside knee). It felt kind of tingly...and a bunch of electromagnetic waves shot through the tendons in my knee and contracted and relaxed all the tight muscles in there. (That's what I think happened anyways). And the next day I felt like a brand new person, and I ran 4 miles without a bit of pain. Marvelous.

2-You don't have to hold the nozzle of the gas thing the whole time you fill up your car! Rachel showed me this hidden button underneath, and when you push it and set it down it just holds itself up and funnels gas into your car without you having to do anything! I never knew this before...although I'm sure everyone else at all the gas stations in the past have laughed at me while I stood there holding the nozzle the entire time....

3-This book called "Whiter than Snow" by Paul David Tripp. It's all about the story of David and Psalm 51. Which God keeps throwing at me! This is the 3rd time I've done a study on David this semester...I guess I haven't got what I'm supposed to get yet...

But here is a really great quote that I got just from the preface!

"David's story is your story...There are times when you let yourself be ruled by your self-focused desires rather than by God's clear commands. There are times when you love something in the creation more than you love the Creator. There are times when you willingly step over God's boundaries in pursuit of what you want. THere are times when your little kingdom of one means more to you than his transcendent kingdom of glory. There are times when you work hard to deny what you have done or to cover up your tracks in fear of being caught."

I've done all that, I'm just as bad as David. I just am so glad for God's victory of grace over the sin that captivated David's heart, and captivates my heart as well.

Risk It

Risks are vital in every part of our lives, in our spiritual life, in our relationships, in making our dreams come true. I don't want to be afraid of being hurt, I don't want to close my heart to possibilities, I don't want to live a life of fear.

"Make the choice adventurous stranger. Strike the bell and bide the danger or wonder 'till it drives you mad what would have happened if you had"-CS Lewis

Scrapes heal; Scars tell a story.

Break

Spring Break:: I travelled twelve hours plus in a suburban with 8 people, squished between two 6' boys. I went to the beach. I attempted to water ski. I got a tan. I got closer to friends. I went on a walk on the beach with my boyfriend. I watched K State win...I watched K State lose. I was hit in the face with a frisbee...and have a pretty green scab between my eyes to show for it. I learned that people, at times, stress me out. I ate way too much food. I was able to get up early and journal and read my Bible every day. I missed my family.

Now it's back to school for 5 ish more weeks.

I need to start figuring out what my life needs to look like this summer. I'm envisioning something annoying: 8 AM classes at the junior college, maybe another 6 PM class...and work squished in between there, maybe.

Life doesn't stop. Sometimes I wish it would.

Eat at McDonalds in formal attire

I discovered something about myself recently...I'm an impulse buyer. Sometimes I purchase things on a whim.

Like this book I bought at Borders the other day...I was waiting for someone so I picked up one of the random pocket books that are in the front of the store and started reading, the next thing I knew I had bought the thing and was happily carrying it out of the store. I really do like the little paperback, though. It's called "Dream It. List It. Do It: How to Live a Bigger & Bolder Life" Yeah, I probably could have come up with a better title, but it actually has some pretty great, although sometimes unrealistic, ideas in it!

Here are a few:

-Swim with Sharks in a cage.

-Risk failure.

-Race motorcycles.

-Slow dance in a paking lot.

-Hula hoop in the middle of a busy intersection.

-Blow Bubbles in a mall.

-Pretend you don't speak english.

-Eat at McDonalds in formal evening attire.

-Be the right person instead of trying to find the right person.

-Play with penguins at the south pole.

-Visit an orphanage in Uganda

-Do yoga in India.

-Have a mind-blowing perfect kiss.

-Climb more...and don't be afraid of falling.

-Finish writing my book-and get it published.

-Make your dreams come true.

If Not You, Who?

Dedicated to: Kerrie, Claire, and Margaret Bingham

This is Dr. Derick Bingham, the most inspirational professor I have ever had. He passed away this week after battling cancer for a number of years, and as glad as I am that he is no longer suffering, I think that this world is a duller place in his absence. Dr. Bingham was the first teacher who truly believed in me as a writer. He taught Masterpieces of Irish Literature to the Irish Studies group last semester. Through him I learned to fall more in love with CS Lewis, I learned to appreciate the poets of Ireland like Seamus Heaney and Michael Longley, and I learned what it looks like to dream again. Derick took the papers that I turned into him and used them to encourage me, to show me that I could be a writer after all.

I remember leaving his classes wanting nothing more than to sit and journal and write for hours. He inspired me and he is my inspiration still.

He would quote us this little stanza at least once a week while we were at lunch or sitting drinking tea. He would say, "If not you, who.

If not now, when.

If not here, where"

I still remember the first day that I met him. His eyes were always shining and full of life and hope and dreams of the future. He was never like my other professors. He was always a few notches more passionate, more extreme, more excited, more in love with God than the others. The first day I met him, I remember him staring out at the lake behind Lakeside Manor and saying, "God did not bring you all the way across the Atlantic to drown you in a ditch. He has plans for you." That quote kept me alive in times of homesickness and despair that I faced during those three months.

Derick Bingham didn't decide to teach us JBU students because he was asked to, or because he needed the extra money. No, he taught us because he wanted to teach us how to love writing with our whole hearts. He said that first day, "With all of my heart and soul, I am going to try to convince you to start writing." And there was something in his eyes, in the way his hands flew around him in excited uncontrolled motions, something in the determined scrunching of his brow...I knew that he meant it.

Fall in love I did. I fell in love with writing, with the dream of getting published, with Ireland, and with Derick Bingham himself.

Discipline

I realized yesterday, during Old Testament class how glad I am that I have a God who disciplines me.

I've been reading Ezekiel recently, it is kind of a random book filled with lots of rebellion, funeral songs and a random story about two eagles, but the story line speaks to my heart. Israel was a rebellious nation who continuously chose other things as more important than God, and yet God didn't give up on them. He chose to love them through disciplining them; he didn't give up on their holiness.

"I will rule over you with an iron fist in great anger and with awesome power. And in anger I will reach out with my strong hand and powerful arm, and I will bring you back from the lands where you are scattered. I will bring you into the wilderness of the nations, and there I will judge you face to face. I will judge you there just as I did your ancestors in the wilderness after bringing them out of Egypt...I will examine you carefully and hold you to the terms of the covenant." -Ezekiel 20: 33-37.

I used to be terrified of this kind of language, but after Old Testament class (we're studying Exodus and Deuteronomy) I see it differently. This is a God who is in love with His people. He is angry because the people whom he has pursued and adored and lavished upon have chosen other lovers instead of Himself. His law and His covenant are love letters addressed to His bride.

I never thought of it like that.