Tie it in a Bow

I'd like life to be neat & tidy

But it never will be.

Every day I'll wake up with messy hair,

a ruffled bed 

 and lost socks.

Every night I'll lay awake with

broken promises,

nagging"what ifs"

and a desire for do-overs.

But life lived is messy.

Mistakes don't always mean failure,

and it's the process of learning that makes us better.

Give yourself a break.

Like Torture

Surrendering, like opening a can of worms.

One minute I think God is asking me to surrender my script for the future,

And then he opens my eyes to see, he wants my present & my past.

I can hear God asking me to give up,

And I’m realizing more and more that I can’t.

I can’t because I am afraid.

I’ve learned to look for the “deeper issue”

I’ve been taught to read between the lines.

And what I’m hearing myself say is…

It's hard for me to believe that God is good.

It sounds ridiculous,

It sounds like the words of a skeptic.

And maybe I am.

All I know is that the opposite of surrender

Feels a little bit like torture.

Here I am, holding bits of broken glass,

Feeling old wounds so deeply,

My skin splintered by the tight clasping,

Yet I refuse to let go, even at the sight of blood.

I read Romans 1. I hear God asking me to live a “sacrificial life”

And yet I still want what I want.

But I’m not getting what I want.

I need to want what God wants.

And I’m probably going to continue in circles,

I’ll wake up tomorrow and say the empty words

That I want so desperately to be true,

I surrender today.

I surrender tomorrow.

I surrender yesterday.

Please take me in a direction.

A Strong Bond.

A fridge front full of Save-the-Dates.

A bulletin board crammed with flowered invitations.

It is the spring of my Senior year of college, and although I’ve joked about “Ring By Spring,” in the past, it doesn’t seem as funny now that it’s my best friends wearing the bling.

Three RSVP cards sit on my desk.

The spaces were easy enough to fill.

My name, a check mark expressing my desire to attend,

And a single digit: the number one.

Me. It’s just me.

I’ve dated four guys during college. 

That’s one per year. 

And yet here I am, stuffing four bridesmaids dresses into the back of my closet, preparing to throw the rice and blow the bubbles on the dearest relationships I’ve made during college.

No, I’m not leaving college with a tall, dark, and handsome mate.

But I am leaving college with a circle of the dearest friends.

Friends who have prayed with me, sat on my bed and cried with me, listened to my fears, taped bible verses to my bathroom mirror, slipped notes full of healing words under my bedroom door..

They understand me more than anyone else.

And yet there’s something terrifying about this for me.

I don’t have a wedding ring.

There are no guarantees.

We won’t be working together, have a class together, see each other at church, or even be living in the same city three weeks from now. 

There is no promise that when I leave college I will keep these dear friends. 

There is no promise that these dear friends will keep me.

“It’s scary to realize that the only thing holding our friends to us isn’t our performance, or our lovability, or their guilt, or their obligation. The only thing that will keep them calling, spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that’s the one thing we can’t control” –Cloud & Townsend from their book Boundaries

It feels a little like standing on thin ice, or walking somewhere blindfolded. Trusting love is not something that is easy for me to do. I would much rather earn love, or somehow deserve love.

But that’s not how it works.

I need grace too much for that.

“At any moment any person can walk away from a friendship. However, as we enter more and more into an attachment based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection. –Cloud & Townsend”

Let me be your eyes.

Sometimes I look at others and think this, 

Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves.

I think self-hatred,

self-doubt, 

& self-mutilation

are some of the saddest sins.

And yet we succumb to them everyday.

It's so easy to see the beauty in others,

why can't we see it in ourselves.

If you can't see the beauty in yourself,
ask someone else what gifts and talents they think you have.
And then live out of them.

"In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your give is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it giving, give generously..." (Romans 12: 6+)

Endless.

Easter.

This is the first year I've participated in Lent.

Which made me look forward to today
with anticipation.

And left me thinking on these words all day long,

"Love bears all things,

believes all things,

hopes all things,

endures all things,

Love never ends."

-I Cor. 13: 7,8

My God never gives up.

I think this song's words are right on

for a day like today.

Forgiveness.

Yesterday is gone.

Now I'm full.

I'm whole.

I hope you felt loved today.

(Also, I'm pretty excited about my first time being a Guest Blogger!

Go here to check it out).

Secure.

Often

I forget how strong my God is.

"Yet God my King is from of old,

working salvation in the midst of the earth.

You divided the sea by your might;

you broke the heads of the sea monsters on the waters.

You crushed the heads of Leviathan;

you gave him as food for the creatures

of the wilderness.

You split open springs and brooks;

you dried up ever-flowing streams.

Yours is the day; yours also the night.

you have established the heavenly lights

and the sun.

You have fixed all the boundaries of the earth;

you have made summer and winter"

Ps. 75:12-15

He has brought us this far.

Why should I be afraid?

Why is my faith so weak?

I am His;

He is God.

He is with me;

I cannot be moved.

Be still, my soul.

Apparent Failure

I don't know about you,

but I have a script for my life.

I wrote it. 

I've toiled for it.

I can see it in my mind's eye.

And God has been challenging it.

When I started college,

I defined a successful college career as

good grades,

a developed skill set,

an attractive mate,

and an up & coming career to take me somewhere beautiful.

Now, as I'm finishing college,

I feel like an apparent failure.

I'm single,

and I'm going home to start school again.

It seems like I've come full circle.

It feels like a waste of time.

But this is my own view of it all.

My own high standards I place on myself.

In God's reality, 

I'm becoming His disciple.

I'm following what I know is the Lord's will for my life.

And He isn't going to dissappoint.

"I need to give up my understanding of how I'd like my future to fall into place for a much better and sweet plan that God reveals."--Bill Hull

I want to give up my script.

I want to do it wholeheartedly.

I want this to be my prayer.

"Lord, I'm your servant. I'll follow you even if it's into apparent failure, because I have no right to success as I define it, or as the church defines it, or as my culture defines it. I'm only interested in pleasing you and being successful as you define it."--Bill Hull (from "The Complete Book of Discipleship")