All the Creative Ladies

There is nothing I love more than to see someone doing what they love.

photo & artwork by Jordan Rae Designs

Doing what you're passionate about is the best kind of Self-Care.

More than bubble baths, alone time, or going on a run,

doing what I love makes me feel....complete.

There's a distinct feeling that comes with connecting to 

what we're made to do.

It feels electric, like a new energy source.

I think that thing each of us is passionate about is a gift God gave us.

I believe creativity is a way to connect to Him.

Writing is it for me.

When I sit down and write, I feel like the best version of myself.

When I write I connect to a deeper heartbeat that lets me breathe.

When I'm able to express myself through words I feel known.

I know when I'm in a healthy place, because I write more.

But sometimes writing takes courage for me.

Blogging doesn't look like it used to.

Sometimes I compare my blog to others and it seems...outdated.
Sometimes I feel like deleting everything and starting over.

That's when I try remember why I started blogging in 2009.
I wanted to create a place for honesty.
I wanted to be truthful about my struggles and successes.
Because I believe honesty creates more honesty.

Comparison is one thing that steals from what we love.
Comparison makes compassion nearly impossible.

There are a number of women with blogs and talents.
Some of them help me believe in my writing when I want to quit.
Some of them help me remember Who my creativity comes from.

These are the ladies who inspire me to keep writing:

Jordan Rae Designs

Jordan is one of my dearest friends from junior high, and she just happens to be one of the most beautiful women I know. Her joy and love are obvious. She's a mom of two who uses nap time to paint beautiful family portraits. It's apparent what the important things in life are for her. 

Heads of Art

Faith is another friend of mine from our school days. She's one of the most talented hair stylists in Kansas City. She's one of the lucky few who gets to do what she loves all day everyday. One thing I love about her is she does what she loves to the highest level. She's always learning new things about her art and always one of the first to try something new.

Abode Abide

Alisha is a writer who uses Instagram and her blog to convey beautiful messages. Her writing is so lovely and magical. She gives me courage to believe that my words matter, too.

Stephanie May Wilson

Stephanie is the author of The Lipstick Gospel. She also thought up the #loveliesthings365--an effort to help her followers on Instagram look for things to be grateful for every single day. She is always so encouraging and honest. She helps me to never give up on my dream of writing a book.

Love You

My friend Patty Kirk said this

in her book The Easy Burden of Pleasing God

"Look at the unhappiest people you now

and you are sure to notice some crucial 

lack or loss of love at the root of it all.

Childhood abandonment or rejection.

The loss--through death or debilitating illness or adultery--of someone beloved.

An overwhelming sense of being unlovable.

A self image so damaged as to prevent one from loving even oneself."

As a counselor I think this is on point.

I see the struggle to love ourselves everyday--

and not just at work.

I see the struggle in myself all day long.

I see myself push others who want to love me away

because I don't feel lovable.

I wake up everyday and easily find something wrong--

with my body, with my work performance, with my identity as a wife.

Even after years of working on insecurity and negative self-talk,

I still find it there every time I let down my guard.
I don't love myself.

Feeling unlovable makes me want to hide,
to pretend to be better than I am.
To shy away from community, new friends.
To distance myself from my husband, physically and emotionally.
I feel more and more alone this way,
less and less loved.

For me it comes back to seeing myself though God's eyes--

to listening to my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful, and believing him.

to continually fighting against insecurity, pride, and vanity,

to find contentment with my own strengths, instead of comparing them to others.

Love is kind (even to ourselves)

Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.

Conflict

Back in grad school, our teachers brought up a touchy conversation.

"Do you want to be a Christian Counselor,"

they asked,

"Or a counselor who is Christian?"

I know what my pastor would want me to say, 

I know what my 24 years of Christian Education taught me...but

I have a really hard time saying I want to be a Christian Counselor.

I don't want to have all Christian clients.

I don't want to pray together before every session 

or share a devotional together as we end the 50 minutes.

I would rather sit with those who gave up on God,

who question Him and ask hard questions,

who doubt the existence someone who could still love them.

I've also been asked, 

"How do you not share Christ with you clients,

after all, He's the only one who can save them from _____."

Fill in the blank with what you want...

depression,

mental illness,

addiction,

shame and guilt.

But I don't think the regular Christian answers work.

"He's in control"

"Everything happens for a reason"

"He won't give you more than you can handle"

Statements like these make my clients roll their eyes,

and push God even further away.

And this is my inner conflict.

My code of ethics tell me not push my personal beliefs onto others.

My Christian faith tells me to share the Good News.

So, I get up each day and pray for my clients.

I ask God to let others see Him through me.

I ask to be an example of love and grace.

I ask everyday for wisdom and strength.

Most importantly, I ask questions about the fear, doubt, and mistrust

I wonder out loud about their relationship with a Higher Power.

I point out the competing belief in themselves, of their right to an uncomplicated life.

And in these ways, 

maybe I am a Christian Counselor after all.

Awkward

There's something about being a counselor,

that forces me to be myself.

It probably has something to with the fact that

I believe my clients are smart.

I believe they've been through a lot.

I believe they see through facades and smiles.

I believe they will see past my pretending. 

Counseling is an intimate sort of relationship.

I have to be a safe place where clients feel comfortable.

Some of my clients tell the truth for the first time in my office

about their regrets,

about that trauma,

about what they run from.

And safe things aren't false.

So I've been forced to spend the last 3 1/2 years getting to know myself.

And one of the first things I found out was...

I'm really awkward.

I don't like talking on the phone. 

I have this strange embarrassed giggle.

I get nervous when in front of people,

and I don't always have the perfect words to say.

The second thing I found out,

I really do care.

I want the best for my clients.

The more clients I have, and begin to care for,

The easier it is to love the person next to me at Starbucks.

The more I realize we are all struggling with change somehow.

Stories stay with me.

Sometimes the boundaries are hard,

and I just want to be friends,

or take them to church,

or have them over for dinner

 and talk about baking.

So here I am,

Realizing I am an awkward, caring, professional. 

Laying down earlier expectations of perfection.

The more I embrace my person,

the more I begin to love myself, 

and the easier it is to get close to others.

2014

I'm following the lead of my fellow bloggers, 

and made a list of the things I want to remember about 2014.

So much happened in my life, I almost don't know where to start.

I GOT MARRIED.

Christopher and I planned the wedding I always wanted.

We put expectations aside, and had a 15 person wedding under a tree.

Since we were both baristas making minimum wage, 

We spent our savings on a photographer, our favorite cake, and a park shelter.

According to us, it was beautiful and perfect. 

I'm so glad we were forced to focus on what was important--

our vows we were making to God and each other.

I graduated from my Master's Program.

After 2 years of the hardest thing I've ever done, 

I walked across a stage, along with the only other people who will ever understand,

hugged the professors who made me cry, and challenged me to be better.

and received my diploma.

 I got my first "real" job.

I spent all summer sending my resumes to Nashville and Colorado.

We wanted to get out of Kansas, begin a new adventure together.

But God had other plans. 

One day I responded to a job in Lawrence, and had an interview the next week.

 I interviewed for an addictions counselor job the same week I got married.

I found out during my honeymoon I had the job.

I look back and I know God was watching out for us, I had quit my job at Starbucks,

we didn't have a place to live yet, and we were nearing the end of our rope.

We moved to Lawrence, Kansas

It isn't Nashville, and it isn't the mountains,

but it is a sweet community of families and students.

Christopher lived here during college, 

and we are content. 

I realized having these things wasn't going to make me happy.

I made it--I had the husband, the salaried job, the cute apartment to call our own...

but the only thing I felt was stress, anxiety, and unhappiness. 

I had told myself for 2 years that this was it--the finish line.

The place to be. When I got here everything would fall into place for me.

But it wasn't true.

I had formed my own version of idolatry, and had fashioned my own perfect little life to worship.

I forgot that it isn't people, places, or things that make life worth it.

I forgot to thank God for the blessings I have, I forgot to spend each morning giving up control.

So for the past month I've been doing just that.

And I've found the stress, anxiety, and over-all negative spirit fading.

As I remember to see today, the people I'll counsel, the husband I'll love

through God's eyes, it's so much easier. 

I've been rebuilding my faith, and finding myself all over again. 

Beautiful Things

Sometimes I ask my clients to create a "Gratefulness Journal" 

because of the amazing effects thankfulness has

on anxiety, depression, and outlook on life.

I've personally done this in the past, 

and it's amazing all the little things 

we overlook on our roads to self-fulfillment.

As I've been making more time in my life

to write,

to pray,

to listen

I've been finding beautiful things along the way.

Sometimes it has looked like

free coffee,

home-made dinner,

my husband's open arms,

a card in the mail with cash inside,

a new client who is self-aware and motivated,

a blog post that makes me feel understood,

the opportunity to work with women again,

a chance to write my own curriculum.

If I can actually feel thankful,

instead of taking these things for granted

and focusing on the darker side of life,

I begin to feel not only thankful--

but loved, treasured, and known.

Sometimes thankfulness is easier than other times.

My clients who are just beginning the transition into sobriety,
who have lost all the things they held dear,
have a very difficult time finding one thing to call silver lining.

I still spend the time to help them find
just one.

I wrote this in my journal a few months ago,
and I think it explains this difficulty well:

I’m realizing recently that it's here, 

in this teary, let-down, weary, and even lost place, 

where my anxious heart will not cease, 

where I look in the mirror to find an imposter

where my fear overcomes love and joy 

It is here in this glassy, fragile state where I find God.

When I look 

I find God with His arms open, 

His burden light, 

His beauty exposing, 

and His love everlasting.

Thankfulness works because we have to look

 beyond ourselves, our own self-pity, in order to find it.

Me

I'm a person who looks for themes,

statements or stories by different individuals, saying the same thing.

I believe repeats in life are usually God's way of getting our attention

I believe this in the counseling room,

those themes and connections are things I grab onto

bring back around,

ask about.

I try to stay true to this in my own life,

and recently it's been about writing.

I've felt a calling back to this blog,

back to journaling,

back to sharing.

I have friends who are writing books,

learning lessons through old journals,

sharing their life on successful blogs

and I start to feel uncomfortable.

"I'm a writer, too" I say

I look back and wonder where I gave up the dream.

Was it in college when I switched majors,
knowing it would be hard to make it in the writing world?
Was is last year when I panicked in the middle of my graduate program,
wondering I was really cut out to be a counselor?
Or was it when I stopped writing, stopped asking God for inspiration,
stopped letting myself create.

I've returned to writing,
because it is where I feel the most me,
it keeps me centered,  honest,
and most importantly--
it is where I feel the closest to the One who created me.