At the moment.

I am...

...grappling with the idea of grace (still).

...taking steps towards balance.

...loving having a kitchen to play in.

...a little done with baking pumpkin things and ready for peppermint Christmas things. (Guess that's what I get for starting on pumpkin in September).

...desperate for my ankle to heal so I can start running again.

...struggling with guilt from the pressure I put on myself. It's like I have some type of mental standard that I can never quite reach. I feel it after every conversation spoken, every accomplishment finished, every devotion and quiet time done. I worry that I'm letting people down, that I don't do enough, that I do too much. It's called perfectionism and it's a daily struggle.

...trying to see myself the way He sees me. (Maybe this will help the above ridiculousness).

...looking at grad schools and jobs in KC and dreaming about what God has in store.

...thankful for dependable and reciprocating friends.

...still slightly giddy over a new relationship with a boy who challenges me to find joy in each day.

...praying this: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope"...for me, for you.

(Romans 15:13).

Favorite Fourth

I was recently asked what my favorite 4th of July memory was...

It might have been the time my mom, best friend, and I

took a road trip to Oklahoma to "spy" on a National American Miss Pageant

and then watched fireworks out the van skylight that night.

Or maybe it was the year I spent the 4th of July in Chicago,

marching in the International Lions Band with my marching french horn,

and then watching fireworks on the riverfront that night.

This year I'm spending the 4th in St. Louis with one of my best friends,

and since rain ruined our plans for watching fireworks under the arch,

our plan B was sitting, talking, and sharing music on a mattress in her room.

And it has been one of my favorite fourths.

I'm realizing that time is precious,

I'm about to enter my last year of college,

Many of my friends are getting engaged,

and everything is about to change...

So I'm not wishing it away.

What's your favorite fourth?

Sick.

Yesterday I drove an hour (without getting lost, thanks to a talking GPS!)

to spend the morning with my grandpa.

He had been thinking about what we should do for the day,

so he took me shopping. Antique shopping.

You've probably guessed it by now.

My grandpa is dying.

I mean, we all are,

He's just on a fast track.

(But then, he always was-he's an amazing runner).

But that's the most amazing part.

You would never know.

He is the most positive, lovely man I know.

He spent the day giving to me.

Gifts, time, macaroni and cheese,

A running watch.

An article about running back when he was in in the KC Star

(told you so).

And I spent the day memorizing,

the way he breathes when he hugs me,

his arm in mine,

his singer's voice.

If you need a book to read,

Read "Tuesday's with Morrie."

And when you're done,

you'll understand.

In the meantime, pray for my Grandpa.

The leukemia has moved to his right lung,

and he starts chemo again Monday.

Listen.

Recently I've been learning the importance of listening.

Too often I get caught up in finding answers.

in giving advice

And I forget the value of caring about someone

enough to be patient,

be silent,

be present.

And listen.

Afterall, it's the first step to loving,

hearing.

"I believe in being present," Morrie said. "That means you're with the person you're with."

-From Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom

SUPERbowl Sunday

The Saints won!

Go underdogs.

I just want to write a quick post telling the whole world that I have really beautiful friends and without them I might not be surviving college... Today was Superbowl Sunday and I had such a great day, despite the two tests that are stressing me out. My two bestest friends and

I made chocolate covered strawberries and then we went all out and dressed up for the game. I went for the Saints and they went for the Colts. My reasoning for choosing the Saints wasn't all that great. My thinking went like this:: Michael is going for the Colts, my roommate is going for the Saints, I don't want to wear blue eyeshadow, I like gold... So I picked the Saints! (And they won).

But the point is that it was really fun taking a break from my weekend of studying to play with them. Here are some pictures to prove how hardcore we were::

I was Bush, Rachel was Manning and Ange was Freeney...

we had not a clue who any of them actually were (besides Peyton Manning, he's kinda famous) but we did good! Bush is actually quite the beast. I always have had a thing for running backs...

And these were the best chocolate covered strawberries in history. Mmmm.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering. I know what the Golgi Apparatus is, what the function of Ribosomes are, and what the difference is between hypertonic and hypotonic solutions is. If you're curious I'll probably be able to quote off information for another 48 hours.