Sick of fear.

Last night I was reading some Beth Moore, which is always more like having a conversation with Beth Moore than reading the same generic words thousands of other people are reading...and she asked me a question that I haven't been able to get over.

"What are you afraid of?"

I'm an internal thinker and I know myself really well...so I immediately replied with "Failure"

I'm afraid of never reaching my full potential at anything.

I'm afraid of ignoring the very thing I was put on earth to accomplish.

I'm afraid of messing up God's plan for my life.

That's what I'm most afraid of.

As a people pleaser, I think I sometimes try to please God.

If I do everything right, maybe He'll love me more.

This is terrible thinking. But I have fallen into it nonetheless.

Last night as I was reading, I came across this passage and began to cry tears of understanding.

"God the maker of heaven and earth, will...

perfect everything that concerns you (Ps 138:8)

work all things together for your good (Romans 8:28)

contend with those who contend with you (Isaiah 49:25)

fight this battle for you (2 Chronicles 20:15)

equip you with divine power (2 Cor. 10:4)

delight to show you mercy (Micah 7:18)

meet all your needs according to My glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phillippians 4:19)

give you grace that is perfectly sufficient (2 Cor. 12:9)

be your power in weakness (2 Cor 12:9)

do immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within you (Ephesians 3:20)"

-p. 322 "So Long, Insecurity"

I have never felt more loved than right then as I read these promises.

I'm learning to trust Him more.

I'm sick of fear.

"Fear consumes massive amounts of energy and focus and can chew a hole through our intestines, our relationship, and countless opportunities"--Beth Moore.

Framed.

"I think it is a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is." - Vladimir Nabokov

Joy and Woe.

My alarm went off at 8am today.

I looked up in my skylight and it was grey. Looked like rain.

I didn't have to work.

I didn't have to be anywhere.

But I had an appointment with my running shoes.

It takes a lot of motivation for me to forfeit sleep for miles of sweat and side stitches.

Most people don't get it.

But my motivation today was Quenton Cassidy.

Cassidy is a miler in this book I'm reading called "Once a Runner."

I read it before I go to bed, hoping that something will stick with me until morning, and convince me to get my butt in gear and run in the morning. It worked today.

"Quenton Cassidy knew what the mystic-runners, the joggers, the runner-poets, the Zen runners, and others of their ilk were talking about. But he also knew that their euphoric selves were generally nowhere to be seen on dark, rainy mornings. They marily wanted to talk it, not do it."

I don't want to be a runner who runs because it feels good. I want to focus on my pace, I want to be uncomfortable. I want to breathe hard, I want to sweat. I love running the most in the last 40o of a 5K. When everything in me wants to quit, but I don't.

I want to be more than a runner. I want to be competitive.

"The true competitive runner, simmering in his own existenctial juices...ran because it grounded him in basics. There was both life and death in it; it was unadulterated by media hype, trivial cares, political meddling. He suspected it kept him from that most real variety of schizophrenia...Running to him was real; the way he did it the realest thing he knew. It was all joy and woe, hard as diamond; it made him weary beyond comprehension. But it also made him free."

So, now you've met my running partner, Quenton Cassidy.

He's in my head when I'm running, he gets me up in the morning. He makes me so excited for Cross Country.

Healing.

Recently, GLB has been blogging about this amazing book that is changing her perspectives.

It's called "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore.

I'm only about 1/2 way through, and already this book has been a journey, a revealing tale of my own heart and my own self. I never would have said before that I am an insecure person...but I can admit it now, I am. I've believed the lies of the world. I've let this culture steal from me. I've put too much weight on relationships that could do nothing but collapse under the pressure...and I've let insecurity dig its roots deep into my heart.

It's hard to fully explain what this book has helped me realize, because honestly, its been a journey of my heart. A journey that I don't intent to end until I find healing.

Here's my confession:: I got to chaper 9, entitled "A Time and Place to Heal," and I shut the book. I didn't open the cover for over two weeks. I was afraid. Afraid to ask for healing, afraid to face how beat up my heart really is.

But, today I went to a wedding and those insecurities rose up full force. So, instead of letting them defeat me, I drove with the book, my journal, and my Bible to the park.

Second confession: I was afraid to get out of the car once I got to the park. Seriously, how long am I going to let insecurity paralyze me? I was wearing this bright blue floor length cotton dress, and I was afraid of what people would think when they saw me get out of my car, walk to the center of the island at Heritage Park, and sit in the grass with my Bible. (There were a TON of parties at the park today, every shelter was full). But, I gathered my nerves and did it anyway. I'm determined to start uprooting insecurity in my life. Determined.

Here's my favorite part of the prayer Beth Moore asked me to pray today::

"Where I lost innocence, grant me integrity.

Where I lost a relationship, grant me true intimacy.

Where I lost a home, grant me an internal, unshakable sense of belonging.

Where I've held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive.

Don't stop until You've made a miracle out of me."

A Hobby of Mine.

I love to read.

Give me a book, some juice (I'm trying to lay off the coffee), and a head lamp (really great for camping&reading I found out), and I'll be content for hours.

Or I like this combination, too. A book, a swimsuit, water, and a towel. That's a good one.

Or...A book, a blanket, bug spray, and the Heritage lake. Probably my favorite.

So far, this is my summer reading list. Some are purely for fun, others out of duty, and others because I have to for the Gateway class I'm mentoring. Ready? It's lengthy.

1. House Rules, by Jodi Picoult. I already finished it, and absolutely LOVED it.

2. Keeping Faith, by Jodi Picoult. Again, finished. I read this little guy in 2 1/2 days.

3. So Long, Insecurity, by Beth Moore. I'm halfway through this one, it actually pertains to reality.

4. Once a Runner, by John L. Parker Jr. I bought this one from Borders, which is a big deal. I couldn't resist the words from a writer at Runner's World. He said, "The best piece of running fiction around. Beg, borrow, or buy a copy, and you'll never need another motivator." I was sold.

5. Emma, by Jane Austen. It's a classic, enough said.

6. Grimm's Fairy Tales.

7. Cry, The Beloved Country, by Alan Paton. For class.

8. College Matters to God, by Rick Ostrander. Same as above.

9. The Maltese Falcon, Dashiell Hammett. Class.

10. The Mirror Crack'd, Agatha Cristie. Again.

11. The Bar on the Seine, Georges Simenon. And again.

Well, that's the list for now.

If any of you readers know of a book that you loved, and think is list-worthy...tell me!

Aftermath.

One time,

I built something. I built something like a house.

I built it with my own hands.I did it myself.

I put up walls. I fixed boundaries.

I hammered things, even if they didn't quite fit, together.

It looked beautiful from the outside.

It was colorful. It was new. It was exciting.

I put up pictures.

I created memories.

I displayed the very best of times.

I unpacked my suitcase.

I filled the closet and the drawers.

I planned to stay a while.

I thought it was strong.

I thought it would withstand anything.

I thought wrong.

The very first storm destroyed it.

At first it was a small leak, barely noticeable.

I tried to fix it using myself. But my sacrifices weren't enough.

Soon the holes were everywhere, obvious.

The very first storm destroyed it.

The foundation was weak.

There was no cement.

I had forgotten to wait for it to dry.

I built a house on sand.

The very first storm destroyed it.

Everything fell apart around me.

The nails that I had driven stung.

The pieces I tried to make fit, never could.

The aftermath was the worst. Only the truth survived.

I discovered that I had been building all alone.

Once,

I built something. I built something like a relationship.

I built it with my own heart. I did it to myself.

Road Trip to....

My family is so random.

We decided 2 weeks ago that we were going to go on vacation at the end of the month.

We decided 2 days ago that we were going to Ohio, specifically Cedar Point.

Cedar Point is home of the tallest roller coaster in the US.

It has a world breaking record of 17 roller coasters in its theme park.

I've done my research. :)

What I'm really excited about, though, is that it is located right on Lake Eerie.

I've always had a thing for the Great Lakes, ever since 6th grade geography...don't ask me why.

So, we're off on our random adventure.

Who knows what will happen between here and Ohio.