Kind-hearted.

"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything." 1 John 4:19-20

It's funny,

Sometimes it's easy to love others.

And is almost impossible to love ourselves.

That has been true for me lately.

I've been really hard on myself.

Whispering untruths.

Double guessing my dreams.

Doubting my talents.

Playing comparisons.

I forget grace,

and I forget that Christ is in me,

that I am on a journey toward becoming exactly who he made me to be.

"Little children,

you are from God and have overcome them,

for he who is in you is greater

than he who is in the world

...We are from God."

1 John 4:4-5

God is love.

Love is kind.

(Even to ourselves).

Steadfast Love.

"And I will betroth you to me forever.

I will betroth you to me in righteousness

and in justice,

in steadfast love

and in mercy.

I will betroth you me in faithfulness.

And you shall know the Lord."

Hosea 2:19-20

His love is steadfast.

Fixed.

Unwavering.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

his mercies never come to an tend;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul,

'therefore I will hope in him'"

Lamentations 3:22

God is love.

Love hopes all things.

(Even when some things are lost).

Hoping.

Recently I've been having a struggle to find hope.

It's really hard for me not to know what's coming next.

I'm a person who dwells easier in the future than the present.

And I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark.

It took me a while to turn to the one who is Hope.

I tossed around for a couple of weeks before I started opening my Bible again.

And I was given these words:

"You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

Then my enemies will turn back

in the day when I call.

This I know, that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

in the Lord, whose word I praise,

in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

...

That I may walk before God

in the light of life."

Psalm 56:8+

God is for me,

and he saves my tears...

I find hope in that.

This girl.

This quote is on my desk:

This person that you are now;

Remember her,

And don't lose sight:

Don't campare your life progress to others

I so easily forget my values.

The reasons and purposes

to my doing.

And sometimes I need a reminder.

My values:

Healing. Safety. Loving others well. Listening. Reconciliation.

Shedding His light on people's darkness.

Sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I blend in.

Sometimes I lose.

I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."--Jesus (John 8)

Valuable.

Control.

I've been controlled, and I like being in control.

But when we hold on so tightly to someone

that we can't let them go...

to be who they are,

to pursue what they love,

to do what they feel called to,

we steal their freedom

and we forget about grace.

Acceptance.

I want to accept others just as they are.

Letting go.

I want to release others to God.

I want to be supportive of other's decisions.

I want to extend real grace to others.

"Acceptance means you are valuable just as you are. It allows you to be the real you. You aren't forced into someone else's idea of who you really are. It means your ideas are taken seriously since they reflect you. You can talk about how you feel inside and why you feel that way--and someone really cares. You feel safe."--William Barclay.

Safety.

Freedom.

Love.

Seeking to please only God.

Leaving behind the people pleaser.

Accepting others.

Learning is a journey.

Myself.

Sometimes I get really caught up

thinking about what others are thinking.

about me,

my relationships,

my decisions,

my dreams.

It's letting other people tell me how to think,

what to believe,

how to act.

It's letting a judgmental word ruin a perfect day.

It's letting other's standards measure who I am.

And I'm really, really tired of it.

I'm a quiet person who doesn't like crowds,

I'm a writer and a thinker,

I don't talk without contemplating my words first.

I don't share my inner self with just anyone.

I can be really insecure.

I believe in God's goodness,

I'm trying to claim his grace.

I'm sensitive to hurtful words.

I really like sterling silver rings.

I'm wounded easily.

I can't sing harmony.

I struggle to feel good enough.

I like a boy named Stuart.

I feel most alive when I'm having a one-on-one conversation.

I want to free people from the chains they let bind them.

I really like baking in the kitchen to some Amy Winehouse.

"You cannot try to please people or live your life being afraid of people. There is only One to please and to fear on this earth, and that is God.

Those who seek to please God only are invincible from within."

I'm tired of being a people pleaser.

I'm tired of being afraid of you.

Arise, shine.

Arise, shine, for your light has come,

and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.

...

Then you shall see and be radiant;

your heart shall thrill and exult,

your heart shall tremble and grow wide.

...

but the Lord will be your everlasting light,

and your God will be your beauty.

Isaiah 60: 1, 6, 19

He has made us beautiful.

What if we lived like it,

stepped out of the darkness of shame,

lived in the light,

like the redeemed people we are,

and let Him display his beauty through us.

Sweet Dreams

I like Pinterest,

because it puts pictures to my dreams.

Newest dream...

have a cupcake cafe.

Because you can't be

stressed & bake at the same time.

For Us

A prayer I've been praying:

Give us pure hearts.

Teach us, compel us, to hunger

and thirst for righteousness.

God, we don't want hearts of stone.

We want hearts that are tender.

We want hearts that break

when your heart breaks;

We want hearts that cry

when your heart cries.

Hearts that are torn by injustice,

that cry out for peace.

I want to be more like you;

start with my heart.

Matthew 5:8-10

God blesses those who are merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure,

for they will see God.

God blesses those who work for peace,

for they will be called children of God.

Trying Hard.

Let love be genuine.

Abhor what is evil;

hold fast to what is good.

Love one another with brotherly affection.

Outdo one another in showing honor.

Do not be slothful in zeal,

be fervent in spirit,

serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope,

be patient in tribulation,

be constant in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the saints

and seek to show hospitality.

Romans 12:9-12

This verse means a lot to me right now.

I feel like I need to be changed.

I see so much wrong with my heart, soul, and mind.

Each day is a fight to focus;

to continue to hope,

to continue to love,

to find contentment.

And I try to put up this strong front,

I don't allow myself to be hurt.

But that is just so exhausting.

It is so much better to surrender.

I just can't quite figure out how to get to that place,

and stay there.

Be Real.

I like it when people are

real

and honest

and themselves.

Quit trying so hard.

Vineyards & Deserts

I was recently asked if I have a life verse...

I don't know if I could choose one verse,

but this is the one I immediately thought of:

Hosea 2:14-15

But then I will win her back once again.

I will lead her into the desert

and speak tenderly to her there.

I will return her vineyards to her

and transform her Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.

That verse makes me think of

loneliness & hard places

rebellion & return

transformation & hope.

There can be vineyards in the desert.

"We tend to want to pick our blessings from the tree

while they are still green,

yet God wants us to wait

until they are fully ripe."

Seriously, read Hosea 2, all of it.

Finally:Panama

The first week

of June,

of my internship, &

of knowing ten new interns,

was spent in Panama.

Here are some of the happenings

in pictured and journaled form:

This was the boat we road on for 7 hours from Panama City to the village of Union Santania.

I look distressed in the picture, but it was actually a really relaxing ride.

At one point I woke up and looked out over the wide open ocean,

and just thanked God for the beautiful mountains in the distance,

I remember feeling full and at peace.

And He gave me these verses:

Psalm 57:9-10

I will praise you, O Lord among the nations

I will sing of you among the peoples.

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens

your faithfulness reaches to the sky

From my journal:

One of the saddest things I've heard so far is something that Vince told me. He quizzed the children here on bible stories and found that they do not have a basic knowledge of the Bible, not even who Moses is. So, I feel a challenge in my heart to help that. Every day this week we are going to read Bible stories to the children.

This was my favorite part of my time in Panama. And it made showering by flashlight, waking up to roosters at 2 and 4 and 6 AM, the constant sweating, and sleeping on a mat on the ground seem like nothing compared to the joy that came with teaching these kids about God and His story.

From my journal:

God, those kids ate up the Bible stories, they wanted more. And it's so amazing how all of your stories tell of a God who is faithful and loving and everlasting. I pray that some of the children understood this.

Teaching those kids was one of the most amazing experiences I've had. So much else went on in Panama, we worked really hard and gave away a lot of Bibles, but the kids and the VBS that we organized each day was what I really went away with. I don't know exactly what God is doing this summer; he keeps stirring a love for children in me. But I do know that He is teaching me about calling, and about trusting Him.

"God's will and what you

dream about in your deepest dreams

line up so well that you can usually

chase your dreams

and you will more often than not

find God's will."

A Day.

Some glorious morn--but when? Ah,who will say?

The steepest mountain will become a plain.

And the parched land will be satisfied with rain.

The gates of brass all broken; iron bars,

Transfigured, form a ladder to the stars

Rough places, plain, and crooked ways all straight.

For him who with patient heart can wait.

These things will be on God's appointed day.

It may not be tomorrow--yet it may.

Take heart, When God requires you to wait.

Leaning.

I am done attempting to be strong.

Today, I'm just going to be still.

Because, honestly, I don't have much of a choice.

"What have you done in the past when you felt weak physically? You could not do anything. You ceased from doing. In your weakness, you leaned on the shoulder of a strong loved one. You leaned completely on someone else and rested, becoming still and trusting in another's strength"

I'm giving myself permission to rest.

Rest in that shadow of His wings.

Rest in His love.

Why is that so hard to do?

Living.

May is Tuberous Sclerosis Awareness month.

Last year I posted this about the genetic disorder,

the one that I live with.

See, the TSC doesn't usually affect me very much,

and I know that I am so lucky to be able to do well in school

and to be able to say I've never had a seizure.

But, today it was hard to live with TSC,

because it hit me once again that I may never

have anyone celebrate me for mother's day.

Today it was hard to live with TSC

because tomorrow I know I'll go in

get poked with some needles,

and have the angiofibromas lasered off my face.

And because I know that, sooner or later,

they are going to grow back.

Well, now you are aware that TSC exits.

Here's the website if you want to learn more.