Faint-hearted

I had no clue

how difficult, stripping, life altering this journey would be.

And I'm afraid I won't make it,

not the way I'm going.

I've been steadily pulling away.

Hiding.

I don't want you to see that I'm barely making it,

that this process is tearing up 22 years of structures,

that I am afraid I will not make a good fit as a counselor,

that my weak arms cannot and will not be able to hold others.

And I realize now that this is where I have faltered,

in trying to do this alone, 

pushing on in my own strength.

So let me take this chance to say,

Graduate school has become nothing short of the hardest thing I have ever done,

and I am completely intimidated by the idea of failing.

This so called process has stripped away my pride, my safety-nets, my routine thinking,

and it has left me feeling so much weaker, unsure, and discouraged.

Counseling others is nothing like I thought it would be.

Looking into the face of the bruised, scarred, and desperate 

is much more intense than I ever imagined.

Balancing on the beam of caring too much 

and not caring enough is exhausting.

I don't want you to see,

but I know you do.

I've been getting texts and calls.

People are praying for me.

I'm on their minds.

I seem to be in a "bad place"

They are worried.

And I find myself responding to all their care in bitterness.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for hiding, it takes so much more effort.

So here's the truth. 

I'm struggling. 

I'm doubting.

I'm afraid.

I consciously know I'm not alone.
My classmates feel similarly,
but it take so much effort to explain what we are going through.

But I need others. God and friends and you.

Because I will never make it if I think I can do it alone.