Horizon

via weheartit.com

I was reading through my journals from Ireland this morning,

and the pain and confusion I felt there is splayed across every page.

It was a daily struggle for me,

that journey.

And yet, I can see verses,

verses that kept me from drowning.

quotes that gave me hope.

"The thing is to rely on God. The time will come when you will regard all this misery as a small price to pay for having been brought to that dependence. Meanwhile the trouble is that relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has been done." --C.S. Lewis

And as I'm about embark on another journey tomorrow:

Panama,

Internship,

New everything.

I have this feeling of fear,

fear that it will be as devastating as Ireland was.

But even if it is,

God has a purpose.

And His are so much better than mine.

So I'll rely on him anew today.

And he is whispering,

"I want to show you horizons you have never seen before"

Cover.

Panama Hat.

I wonder if I'll actually see these

when I'm in Panama,

(in FIVE days!)

A Day.

Some glorious morn--but when? Ah,who will say?

The steepest mountain will become a plain.

And the parched land will be satisfied with rain.

The gates of brass all broken; iron bars,

Transfigured, form a ladder to the stars

Rough places, plain, and crooked ways all straight.

For him who with patient heart can wait.

These things will be on God's appointed day.

It may not be tomorrow--yet it may.

Take heart, When God requires you to wait.

Focus.

on right now.

Reminisce

Because there aren't words...

Cherish what is dearest while you have it near you, and wait not till it is far away. Blind and deaf that we are; oh, think, if thou yet love anybody living, wait not till death sweep down the paltry little dust clouds and dissonances of the moment, and all be made at last so mournfully clear and beautiful, when it is too late. -Thomas Carlyle

Heard.

What I wanted to blog about tonight,

is something I have been struggling with,

something that I can't quite make sense of,

something that I've never been good at,

something I've probably been doing wrong my whole life.

Prayer.

The thing is, I asked God to teach me how to pray.

And the next thing I know

I notice around 20 hurting people

with requests and pleas for healing

and miracles,

and comfort,

and help.

And I tell them I will pray.

so I sit down

or kneel down

or pick up a pen

and close my eyes

but I don't know what to say.

I want to pray boldly,

I want to pray unceasingly,

but I'm afraid I'm bad at it.

The amazing thing is, though,

I know He hears me anyways.

Reflection.

"What songs would be on a mix tape that describes you?"

"This is true of anyone:

the music we choose is a clear reflection of who we really are"

Have you ever borrowed someone's iPOD and scrolled through their favorites?

(I did this once to a guy I liked back in High School.

He had "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison among his favorites,

and it made me like him even more).

Or, have you ever looked through someone's shared music on Itunes?

Or gotten in the passengers seat of someone's car

and been blasted with the last song they were listening to?

It's true, you can learn a lot about someone from the music they listen to.

I cringe whenever someone asks me,

"What kind of music do you like?"

I always respond with, "Anything but rap"

I'm not a huge music person.

So, I decided to make a proverbial mix tape.

We'll see what it tells you about me...

In no particular order:

1) I'll Be Seeing You--Billie Holiday

2) The Only Exception--Paramore

3) Firework--The Glee Version

4) Moonlight Sonata--Beethoven

5) A Drop in the Ocean--Ron Pope

6) The Luckiest--Ben Folds

7) Someday You Will Be Loved--Death Cab for Cutie

8) Winter Winds--Mumford&Sons

9) So Good To Me--Cory Ashbury

Over.

There will come a time, you’ll see,

with no more tears

And love will not break your heart,

but displace your fears

Get over your hill, and see, what you find there

With grace in your heart

and flowers in you hair.

-Mumford & Sons

“After the Storm”

The answer to our loneliness is love.

Not our finding someone to love us, but our surrendering to the God who has always loved us with an everlasting love. Loving Him is expressed in a happy and full hearted pouring out of ourselves in love to others.

-Elisabeth Elliot

Nurtured.

Do you read "My Utmost for His Highest?"

I have a number of friends who do,

and there is something significant about knowing

we read the same thing

on the same day.

Me, I love pairing it with

"Streams in the Desert"

& coffee and milk.

Today, I loved this quote from good ol' Oswald:

Am I prepared to be identified so closely with the Lord Jesus that his life and His sweetness will be continually poured out through Me?

Neither natural love nor God's divine love will remain and grow in me unless it is nurtured.

Love is spontaneous, but it has to be maintained through discipline.

Leaning.

I am done attempting to be strong.

Today, I'm just going to be still.

Because, honestly, I don't have much of a choice.

"What have you done in the past when you felt weak physically? You could not do anything. You ceased from doing. In your weakness, you leaned on the shoulder of a strong loved one. You leaned completely on someone else and rested, becoming still and trusting in another's strength"

I'm giving myself permission to rest.

Rest in that shadow of His wings.

Rest in His love.

Why is that so hard to do?

Living.

May is Tuberous Sclerosis Awareness month.

Last year I posted this about the genetic disorder,

the one that I live with.

See, the TSC doesn't usually affect me very much,

and I know that I am so lucky to be able to do well in school

and to be able to say I've never had a seizure.

But, today it was hard to live with TSC,

because it hit me once again that I may never

have anyone celebrate me for mother's day.

Today it was hard to live with TSC

because tomorrow I know I'll go in

get poked with some needles,

and have the angiofibromas lasered off my face.

And because I know that, sooner or later,

they are going to grow back.

Well, now you are aware that TSC exits.

Here's the website if you want to learn more.

Summer.

oh.my.goodness.

it is summer!

That means I can get back into race shape,

and start marking books off my reading list,

and wash my car in the driveway,

and play tennis with my dad!

It's the little things...

Hello, Goodbye

Last night was my last IPP event.

I am going to miss it so, so much.

Especially Laura...

we talked last night about how hard transitions can be,

and how it's okay to grieve the loss of a life stage.

I'm feeling like that with the end of my internship,

the end of Junior year,

the end of living in dorms,

But even so, there is always something to celebrate.

Like the beginning of a new internship

the beginning of summer,

the beginning of senior year,

living in an apartment...

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

Speak.

This semester I've started playing piano again.

It was an act of faith, really.

I felt like my joy for the music had been stolen,

I had let someone become part of that joy,

and they had marred it forever, so I thought.

Once, I did the same thing with running.

After a lot of healing,

I was able to remember that I love the piano

I love the ivory

and the classical

and the crescendos

and the formality.

And maybe someday I'll share it with someone else.

Where words fail, music speaks.

-Hans Christian Andersen

Held.

Faith, when walking through the dark with God,

only asks Him to hold his hand more tightly

-Phillip Brooks

Amazed.

You sing over me

While I am unaware

You dance all around

But I never hear a sound

Today I was overwhelmed all over again

Even when I come to Him with empty hands,

He continues to give me grace.

His name is Love.

And He never runs dry.

Singing this song