Something Brave.

Today I tried something brave.

I went for a walk down memory lane.

I looked into time and space,

when I was in love,

when I was in doubt,

when I was in denial.

I looked into the person I used to be,

insecure, afraid, head-over-blind-heels.

I opened boxes of letters & pictures,

my words, his words

cliche, cheesy, and true.

I let myself remember

once more.

I put them into a black bag,

one by one,

I let them rest forever in a junk yard.

But that wasn't the brave part.

The brave part was coming back to grace.

To listen to the voice that was screaming for my attention.

You are not who you were.

That's not how I see you.

Don't you see.

I've been faithful to you.

It's not what you did or do, my dear.

It's what I call you--

Beloved, Treasured, Flawless.

The brave part is keeping my heart open anyways.

Continuing on to live and love.

Claiming freedom.

Believing I am capable,

of whatever He has called me for.

"So let us come bodily to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most" -Heb. 4:16

Dead things.

I once had someone dear to me 

pray over "the dead things" in my life.

She prayed that they would no longer haunt me,

that they would no longer have a power over me,

or hold me back.

"There are things that have to be forgotten

if you want to go on living"

I remember feeling like she was seeing through me

to something very dead,

something that I was keeping alive 

in thoughts and wonderings.

For so long I was

chasing distractions,

 those wounds gaping open.

And here I am,

months, years later

trying so hard to let it be forever dead,

seeking healing from that past,

afraid to be still.

Because stillness creates ugly scabs.

I share this because you probably have dead things too,

the kind you aren't letting go of.

Hurts, Regrets, Failures, Shame

Lost love,  

It's not easy once God reveals it.

But let us have the courage to let it die.

Because death creates space for life.

This is the verse a dear, married friend sent to me:

"But forget all that--it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.

For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun!

Do you not see it?"

Isaiah 43:18

None Other.

I'm finding comfort in the nature of God today.

In the way He is in control.

In His steadfast love for me.

The Lord God...

is the first & the last

laid the foundations of the earth.

spread out the heavens

& rules them.

He loves us.

will perform his purpose for us.

spoke & called us.

brought us & we will prosper.

if we go through affliction, it is for His glory.

He redeemed us.

is the Holy One.

teaches us to prosper.

leads us in the way we should go.

(Isaiah 48)

Those words make me feel safe,

the give me a desire for His ways--

not my own.

A Sweet Duty

I'm realizing that life can be treacherous.

heartbreak, pain, doubt.

depression, sickness, worry.

loss, cancer, death.

These are all things that are surrounding me,

taking place in my friendships,

to the people I love.

And I try to come up with words.

words of comfort,

words of healing, 

words of faith.

It's not enough.

So I pray.

Even then my words fall short.

My efforts at asking are feeble.

So I open my clenched hands,

give that person, that hurt, that fear

back to Him.

My praying has been a kind of surrender.

Forgetting my desires

for healing, for everything to be okay again.

Asking for God's best,

and having faith that through trials, tears, set backs

always comes beauty.

Take heart.

"It is a sweet duty, praying for our friends. 

I always feel as if I had had a brief meeting with you when I do so:

perhaps it is a meeting,

and the very best kind"

--C.S. Lewis

Currently...

I'm vacationing on the East Coast with the family.

I'm encountering all kinds of new people,
the farmer in his field,
the waitress with the deep eyes,
the veteran on the beach at sunset.

And I realize this desire in me to know all of their stories.

I'm saying desperate prayers for a couple of my friends in tough places.

I'm learning more about myself--

as I make people laugh,

see so much of myself in my parents
,cry tears I didn't realize where buried,

and spend time appreciating beauty.

I'm reading an amazing book--

It's one of those books that you can't read in a day.

You have to slowly think about the words 

& digest the meanings in order to apply them.

(He was obviously a contemporary of C.S. Lewis).

I'm reading Psalms 34 with faith, and not fear:

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit
The righteous person may have many troubles
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
He protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
vs. 18-20

Today's Day.

Being a Perfectionist...

Means I wake up every summer's day with a startled panic, 

"What am I going to do with this entire day?"

So I work out...twice.

I read an entire book.

I move an unpacked box 

to another corner of the room...

I try to outline a list of summer goals:

work on a book,

begin a baking business,

cook for my family members.

find a small group Bible Study.

 I wish I could quit being a doer

long enough to slow down and enjoy this moment,

this month of freedom between undergrad and grad,

this summer of celebration for my marry-ing friends,

these moments of unhurried time with my family,

the time spent being an unattached single.

It will never be quite like this again.

I don't want to just see today as the in-between.

It's much more than that.

Confined.

My mom works in a nursing home.

She cuts and curls old ladies' hair.

Repetitive actions, over and over.

We went to visit her yesterday,

and we met all kinds of sweet women.

Katy, the alzheimer's patient who used to work at a dentist office.

She told me I had pretty teeth... Eight times.

Victoria, the sweet one in her purple pajamas,

with a quiet but very present spunk, 

She kept winking at me.

Opal, with her quiet, perceptive demeanor,

She listens to every word that was spoken,

sometimes I would catch her laughing to herself.

And then there's my mom.

She keeps all these ladies looking & feeling beautiful,

You can just tell how much she loves them,

Even as she spends hours 

trying to get them to sit still, reminding them where they are.

She gives them a few hours of camaraderie there in her salon.

A place where they can pretend they don't live
within the confines of a state nursing home.

As they pretend they aren't confined
by their frail bodies, or their slipping minds.

As Mother's Day approaches, 

I'm amazed again at the ministry my mom has,

even in a nursing home.

Not Alone

Just about the time I started to feel the tears coming,

He shows up & shows me just how faithful He is.

A Bible Study class on the same book I just started reading.

Lunch with my special Aunt and her family.

Friends who call me as soon as they hear I'm in town.

Unexpected & last minute coffee dates.

A trip to Target with girls I love.

Good news from a friend I care about.

He knows my desire for relationship.

He gives hope when I'm hurting.

His love is all around, glittering.

If I just have the eyes to see.

God is still Good.

So, So Good

Funny, a few weeks ago I was doubting God's goodness.

Ironic, last weekend I was singing the words to the song,

"So Good To Me" with tears in my eyes,

wishing to have faith in the words.

But after this weekend, 

I don't doubt it for a second.

I feel foolish for ever doubting God's intentions.

I realize the only reason I could ever doubt 

God's obvious, good plan for me,

is if/when/because I compare my story to other's stories

& become so focused on my hurts & circumstances.

He's been faithful to give me solid friends,

supportive family,

a place in a competitive Graduate Program,

and His own endless love that never fails.

He's brought me this far.

He won't give up now.

Free.

"The free bird leaps 

on the back of the wind

and floats downstream

till the current ends

and dips his wings

in the orange rays

and dares to claim the sky"

-Maya Angelou

From: I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Freedom can be a little intoxicating,

And at the same time crippling.

The skies are open to us all,

Hawaii, Nepal, Colorado.

We can go wherever we want to.

And yet I've seen person after person in my graduating class,

seek the Lord's will first.

I think when it comes down to it,

the reason we do that is because of trust.

We trust that He is good.

We trust His ways are higher than our ways.

We trust that He knows the way,

and all we have to do is follow.