Perfection

I like to blog about what I'm learning,

but lately I haven't really liked what God has been teaching me.

He's been revealing to me how selfish I can be.

How egocentric (counseling word) I am.

How I spend way too much energy trying to appear a certain way.

How much deeper I will have to go before I can be a good counselor.

Last year I went through some Spiritual Counseling,

and there were a few times where I was surprised

by unexpected, but strong, emotions that came up during our hour together.

She would stop,

"What just happened there, when I mentioned that?"

But by then I had already forced it all back down,

and all I was left with was confusion.

I wanted to know why talking about "living life fully & freely"
brought up fear, sadness, worry,

but I couldn't.

Sometimes she would simply reflect to me,

"You are not very kind to yourself."

Or,

"Do I need to leave so you can have a cry?"

I don't want to cry in front of people.

I don't want to appear sad, or confused, or lost.

I want to come across happy, peaceful, perfectly content.

Sometimes I go into a one-on-one encounter with nervousness,

and I think the nervousness says, "You're afraid they will see you."

Brennan Manning says this, about people like me, "[They have] a compulsive desire to present a perfect image to the public so that everybody will admire us and nobody will know us."

Nobody will know us,

not even us.

What if the first step to recovering our identity is to accept our imperfections.

What if we gave ourselves grace to

Uncross our arms, take off our masks,

see ourselves

and let His love cover our shame, sin, doubt, and hopelessness.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

--Romans 8:38, 39