Starting Over.

I get so weary of trying to prove myself to everyone.

I have no theology to back this up,

but I believe it with my heart:

Heaven: a place where we will simply & always be known.

Finding Him

It used to be so easy. 

He was in my space everyday.

I would bump into Him in every friendly conversation,

every classroom experience,

every work meeting.

My job, my life, my schoolwork

it all revolved around Him.

Nowadays, 

it's just harder.

I went from directing women's Bible studies

to handing hot drinks out of a drive-thru window.

I went from eating, sleeping, and breathing with Godly roommates

in a small yellow apartment

to having to call, plan, and meet best friends in coffee shops

while living in my childhood bedroom, alone.

I went from having a mentor,

& being a mentor

to just attending church, 

trying to connect in the busy-ness that is city life.

I went from knowing every face and personal story in my classroom

to a brand new group of classmates,

whose names I still don't know.

It's hard, 

change.

And I have been trying to find Him here,

at Starbucks,

with my family,

with high school best friends.

I know He's here.

His presence is all around me.

Constantly loving & saving.

Never leaving.

If only I could learn to rest in knowing I'm in His will,

and remember that it is in the valleys that our character is molded the most.

Honestly.

Faith. Trust. Hope. 

The things I keep asking the Lord to foster in me. 

But if I'm honest, 

the thing that I keep resenting

and being bitter about 

is my singleness.

There is this lie that I can't keep away,

telling me that 

God must love him or her more,

because they are settling into a "dream life" 

with their "perfect match"

While I settle into a known life

here at home.

I miss adventure,

being known,

feeling human acceptance.

I know that I should love this time of singleness,

that I won't ever get it back.

I can make a list of all the things

I couldn't do right now if I were in that place

(Like a counselor made me do once)

But I still can't help hating it. 

It's one day at a time, 

growing to believe in God's good purposes for me.

to fall in love with the Lover of my soul.

to memorize Truth as a replacement to these lies.

Paul's prayer is my prayer:

 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more & more, with knowledge & all discernment, so that you may prove what is excellent, and so be pure & blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory & praise of God."(Philippians 1:9-11)

These days

These days, 

I can't seem to love life. 

These days
Feel like a means to an end.

These days
Are a few days before tomorrow.

And I've been asking myself why.
What's missing?
What's wrong?

Why am I so disappointed?

Today I opened my heart
and asked God those questions.

I felt like he was bringing me back to surrender.
Pointing out my closed fists
and worried heart.

I don't know why it is so easy for me to lose sight
of who God is
so patient, kind, and loving towards me.

But I have to rest in His sovereignty.
I know He brought me to this place for a reason.

I started reading a new eBible Study
along with these women.

Because if I don't stay near to the heart of God,
I will only continue to be frustrated & oh so lonely.

Trust in the Lord & lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge him
and he will direct your paths.
Ps. 3:5-6

Let's Be Friends.

Pursuing a career in counseling

comes with a lot of looking back. 

Reflection.

Looking back at what brought me to this point.

Who I was and who I'm becoming.

And sometimes I see a little girl

who just wanted a best friend.

The soulmate kind.

To be known.

I love weekends like this one,

when I find myself, 

against all odds,

tied to friends of high school.

Sitting on a dock, 

Giggling late into the night,

Eating sugar until sick,

Trying on fancy dresses,

Dreaming big dreams of happily ever afters.

I feel lucky to be a friend.