Faithful Heart.

Tuesday 28 December 2010


This Christmas was the most heartbreaking Christmas of my life.

Even still.
This Christmas, I was so thankful
For the birth of a healer.
For "Immanuel"--God with us.
For love.

For a Savior who gets on his knees,
holds my muddied face in his hands,
and calls me Dear One.

For a Lover who wraps His arms around me
in times when I feel most alone.

For a God who is always constant, always true.

For faithful friends who aren't afraid to listen.

Amen.

Tuesday 21 December 2010


Lead me to Your heart.
Take root in mine.


Help me to bloom according to the roots you plant there.
Just, please, don't let me stop growing.

Best Movie.

Monday 20 December 2010


So, call me a sucker for cartoons who fall in love, but I really liked "Tangled."
I felt a little weird surrounded by children 5 and under, but I loved it anyways.



(PS-Ange, I love that your dad went with you to see it).

If you only knew.

Wednesday 15 December 2010



If you knew me now...

...you would like who I have become.

Recently...

Monday 13 December 2010



I've learned about forgiveness.

Something I've always struggled with is the past. My past, his past, your past. They all scare me. More than any other semester, I've come to grips with the fact that no one is perfect. No one is without scars. No one can cast the first stone.

I've been thinking about my past. I've been wondering the dangerous question, "what if." And I've tried over and over to trust God and believe in His redemption and His plan.

And He's been coming through for me.
Some really exciting things have happened just in the past few weeks.
Encouraging words have been spoken that have strengthened me.

Here's a quote from Beth Moore. (Who else would it be from?)
"Yes, we can do something about our pasts.
We can take them to Jesus!
We can't forget them or ignore them.
We need Him to take full authority over them
where they are no longer a playground for the enemy.
He longs to reframe our pasts and let us see them against the backdrop of His glory.
Never ever forget that our God is a redeemer."

Kiss Dating Goodbye?

Sunday 12 December 2010


Not Judgement, Just an excerpt from I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

These are the shortcomings of dating according to Joshua Harris:

1. Dating leads to intimacy, but not necessarily to commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip friendship, which should be the foundation of a stable relationship.
3. Dating focuses on romantic attraction, so it lasts only as long as the romanic feelings remain.
4. Dating focuses on enjoying love and romance solely for their recreational value.
5. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
6. Dating takes a lot of time and energy, which can distract young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character.

In my experiences, though:

1. Unless guarded, dating leads to emotional intimacy that results in sadness and pain once the relationship is over.
2. Relationships built on friendships can be very successful. Dating someone you've known for only a few weeks usually isn't the best idea.
3. There needs to be a balance between dating for fun and carelessly giving your heart away to the person you're dating just because you think you'll end up marrying them.
4. Love is the thing that is still there when you're angry and annoyed and fighting with the person--something that can't be proven until you've been dating the person for a while (longer than 6 months).
5. Dating is done best when it's done amongst friends and family. Don't be too exclusive.
6. It's important to keep loving the activities you love outside of dating this person, don't change who you are for anyone.
7. If you let yourself, you can learn a lot about yourself through dating--even through dating someone you end up breaking up with.

Just thoughts...

Joy joy joy

Saturday 11 December 2010


In the season of Holly and Jolly...

"Write it on your heart that everyday is the best day of the year."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Choose to live a life of faith and joy.
It will become a mindset.
You can choose to be joyful.

In the same way that love is a choice, so is joy.

Surprisingly, I learned this today at a women's brunch.
From a woman who is dying from cancer.
She has lost her strength and her hair. But not her joy.

I want to be like that.

Good News.

Sunday 28 November 2010



Thanksgiving at home was wonderful.
It was so nice to be in the US this year.
And sit on my couch and attempt to watch football and eat apple pie.
So American.



One of the best parts of this break was playing this game with my family::


It's a game that was made in 1972!
My dad played it when he was a kid. He found it on Ebay a few years ago.
We sit around the table with pencils and paper and blue books
...and we lie to each other.
Lying is the only way to win...

You know the scene in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days where Kate Hudson wins over the boyfriends family because she's so good at the BS game? Well that's how game goes in our family.

Except for one thing...
(Confession) I'm awful at lying.
I lost every round.


Best of all, we had barbeque along with the turkey.


Confessions...

Tuesday 23 November 2010


...I keep thinking about last year's thanksgiving (the one I spent in Edinburgh, Scotland)...and I'm glad I'm not back there.

...Thanksgiving is my least favorite Holiday. I don't like the dry turkey or stuffing or anything besides bread, really. Give me salmon or an enchilada any day.

...I can't cook. I'm awful at it. I don't like following directions,
especially in a certain order, or measuring things (numbers---gross), or being patient enough to let things cook all the way. So, it's going to be interesting this year. Me and my little cousin are in charge of cooking everything.

...I am scared to death of turkeys. This is probably because when I was 9 we had Thanksgiving at my Aunt's farm and they owned two turkey's that they let roam the farm. Those turkeys would chase at peck at me and my brother. We were afraid to go outside, and would stake out in the foyer of the house, peeking out the blinds and shrieking if we saw them. They are ugly unfortunate creatures...and they don't even taste good.





Oh, Happy Thanksgiving.

Currently.

Friday 19 November 2010


Idea from yourwishcake (seriously, click it. her blog is amazing).


This is me:
And right now I am...

...trying to force myself to write (on a Friday) a 12 page paper about Augustine, the Christian faith, love, and purity. It should be interesting, right?

...looking forward to making some of these pumpkin-chocolate chip cookies in just five short days when I'm home and have baking soda within reach.

...enjoying wearing scarves and my North Face. Bring on the wind and cold weather!

...embarrasingly sore from doing half of a Jillian Michaels video.

...drinking peppermint mocha and gingerbread chai drinks on a daily basis. One of my favorite things about the holidays is the flavors! Hold the whipcream, please.

...loving the song "So Good to Me" by Cory Asbury. Listen here. Beauty for ashes and solid ground, my friend. Alleluia!

...reading "The Cost of Discipleship" by Bonhoeffer, and realizing in a brand new way that grace is far from cheap. I'm also realizing, as a result, that I need to take that baby step of faith...just take it...and see what happens.

...getting excited about all the possibilities.

Memorize.

Thursday 18 November 2010


Memories,
Unchanging
Like evergreen trees,

They hang on,
Relentless and Stubborn
Uncompromising,
Unwilling to let go.

I'll use lights
and stars
and angels.
I'll try to disguise
The evergreen.


"Life gets so confusing, When you know what you're losing."
-Emerson Hart

PS

Tuesday 16 November 2010

We finished 4th at Conference.
I ran my best time for the season without any sickness.

And I haven't run (unless I wanted to) since.

Finishing::so much more than crossing a line.

Oh, Joy

Friday 5 November 2010



God's Joy
moves from unmarked box to unmarked box
from cell to cell
As rainwater, down into flower bed
As roses, up from ground
Now it looks like a plate of rice and fish
Now a cliff covered with vines
Now a horse being saddled
It hides within these till one day it cracks them open.
--Unknown




I think God's Joy is found
today in orange leaves
and bananas dipped in sugar/cinnamon
and snickerdoodle coffee
and pumpkin muffins
and a singer named Buble
and sealed love letters.

Yes, I think so.
Happy November

Sport.

Wednesday 3 November 2010


Running Cross Country this year has been....really hard. I started out so excited and competitive, but it seems like sickness after sickness have sucked the life out of my love for running. I can count the days when I didn't feel sick while running on one hand. Each day is harder and harder as I try to suck up enough energy and ignore the pain for however long we'll be running that day. First I found out that I was anemic--which is why I sat down in the middle of our first 5K race and almost quit because I didn't have enough whatever it is in my blood to keep going. Then, after that only helped a little bit, I went back to the doctor and had a sonogram, only to find out that not only do I have an ovarian cyst but I also have a POCS, a syndrome that will probably make it so I can't have children.

Our girls team started out with 11 girls, but because of sicknesses and hurts and other such circumstances, we are now down to 7 girls, exactly enough for a team. It's funny to think that God could teach me something through a sport...but maybe he has. I haven't quit yet. And I have had to find contentment through something besides success, because I have been anything but successful this season.

This is the last week. Today is the last speedwork day. Saturday is the last race.
And all I want is to do my best...to push myself to my own limit, which might not be very far, and know that I gave as much as I could.

And then I can take a week off and then start running again---and not worry about time or distance or speed. If I start to feel sick, I'll stop. And hopefully I can start feeling healthy again, and I can start running with friends, and maybe the love for running will come back.

"In a sport that's ruled by the clock, freeing myself from the minutes and seconds that define success was liberating. I was now free to run when I wanted, without the gnawing obligation that comes with a competitive pursuit. I no longer have an interest in running "against" anyone. Rather, I'm often looking for someone to run "with," and it's the camaraderie, rhythm and ritual that continue to hold my interest."


The cheese.

Monday 25 October 2010


"The writer is a person who is standing apart, like the cheese in "The Farmer in the Dell" standing there alone but deciding to take a few notes." -Anne Lamott.

What to do...

Sunday 24 October 2010

I feel like something God has been asking me to do more of lately is.... pray.

To pray honestly.
To pray continuously.
To pray privately.
To pray publicly.
To ask Him the questions I try to answer for myself.

I want your exact will for my life. Be specific, God.

you.

Thursday 21 October 2010




You are the only exception.

Explore.

Saturday 9 October 2010


I started reading this book called "The Life of the Mind" for class.
I thought it would be dull and dreadful.
It turned out to be better than I thought.
Maybe I like learning more than I knew...

I just really liked this person described in the book...

The explorer..
"She has an animated interest in the people she encounters and asks about their hopes and dreams. When she listens, her face lights up. She displays spontaneous delight when making new discoveries. She does not wait for adventure to happen to her; she seeks it out, sometimes with a bit of fear but always with anticipation. No cage can hold her. Perhaps she travels, but she does not need to go far, for she finds treasures everywhere. Her inner life is also rich; she has an extensive array of thoughts and feelings. If Socrates of Kierkegaard had encountered such a person in one of their daily excursions, they would have exclaimed, "Aha! Here is one who is fully alive" --Clifford Williams.
Animated. Spontaneous. Delight. Anticipation.
It sounds so good.

Like Love and Writing and So Much Else...

Monday 27 September 2010





"Think of a fine painter attempting to capture an inner vision, beginning with one corner of the canvas, painting what he thinks should be there, not quite pulling it off, covering it over with white paint, and trying again, each time finding out what his painting isn't, until finally he finds out what it is."--Anne Lamott

It's okay to start over. Just don't give up.

Sundays.

Sunday 19 September 2010


Sundays are for::

driving down country roads with the windows down.
homework and coffee.
sweatpants.
phone calls.
peace.

Surprise

Friday 17 September 2010



There are so many different types of crying,
Like there are so many different types of love.

But the worst kind of crying is the kind that surprises.
The kind that comes from a broken place in your heart that you had forgotten.
The worst kind of love is the kind that takes instead of gives.

But tears bring clarity,
And brokenness brings healing.



ps-I'm so glad I found you.

Today.

Thursday 16 September 2010


Sometimes I get ahead of myself.
I look at my calendar and get sad or overwhelmed.
But I have to remember to be present.

Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.

Too Amazing For Me.

Tuesday 14 September 2010



I honestly don't think there's a more romantic story in all of history than when Adam first meets Eve.

"After we have surveyed, as far as possible, all the other creatures in the world, eventually God presents us with one who is special, one who strikes a deeper chord in us than anyone else was able to do. Although the person may be very unlike us in many important ways, still there is something inside us that recognizes the other as being bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh, akin to us on a level far deeper than personality."--Mike Mason

There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden."
Provers 30:18-19


Work Shop.

Monday 13 September 2010


I'm in a "Creative Nonfiction Workshop" this semester. Notice the word "workshop?" I'll give you a hint, we're not talking build a bear here (which, by the way, I've always secretly wanted to do)...Yeah, well I didn't realize what a workshop was until the first day of class. And now I'm scared to death. Basically, I have to write creative nonfiction (meaning it's true) and send it to all my classmates so they can read about my (true) life and tear it apart on the faces of all their computers. Then they bring it to class and tell me exactly what they think about my work and my life to my face. I'm terrified.

Not only do I not like letting people read my work, but I usually keep memories to myself and don't share. I'm going to to try to start out with something easy and cliche---like the death of my dog. Or something.


Once again...

Wednesday 8 September 2010


Why can't insecurity be easier to heal?
I feel like insecurity is a daily struggle for me,
and that healing will be long in coming.
I tell other girls that they need to read Beth Moore's "So Long, Insecurity."
I tell them that it changed me. That I didn't come away the same.
But, did I?

"Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions.
For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be.
Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person You've made me.
Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great." --Beth Moore.


Everyday.
How easily I forget that I'm Yours.
I am capable of tremendous transformation with You.

Help me to remember it's a process.

Fill in the blank spaces.

Monday 30 August 2010


"One of the gifts of being a writer is that it gives you an excuse to do things, to go places and explore. Another is that writing motivates you to look closely at life, at life as it lurches by and tramps around."--Anne Lamott


Sometimes, my pen bleeds.
Sometimes, my pen bleeds your name.

Honest.

Sunday 29 August 2010


"In confession. . . we open our live to healing, reconciling, restoring, uplifting grace of him who loves us in spite of what we are." --Louis Cassels

Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I'm so much better than I really am.
And sometimes reality smacks hard.

And I teeter between losing myself to insecurity and or forgetting myself in pride.

As Beth Moore says, "Just because pride fills a heart doesn't keep it from breaking. It just keeps it from healing."
And how my heart aches for healing.

I realized that the only One who can know who I really am and continue to love me without even a second thought---is God.

I love this::
"Lord, you have examined my heart
and you know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head."
Psalm 139


He knows the real, honest, transparent, most vulnerable me.
And He still loves me.

Broken.

Tuesday 17 August 2010


Through different circumstances this summer, God has shown me just how broken this place we live in is.

The girl who tries to fill the emptiness with clubs and parties and beer.
The girl who keeps giving in and settling until she has nothing left.
The girl who has been hurt by almost every male she has ever trusted or loved.
The girl who is so jealous of someone else that she loses herself.
And so many more...


I have heard story after story of death, betrayal, jealousy, abuse and more.

And I have had to wrestle with the question that a twelve year old asked me::
"If God is so loving, why would He let this happen to me?"

I know our world is broken because of sin.
I know that God cries with us when we hurt.
I know that someday, healing will come.

But it is so difficult to see another person's pain, and not wonder why.

As I prayed and searched for answers, God directed me to John 16.
And, lets just say I don't believe in coincidences...

You can read it for yourself, but here's the conclusion:

John 16:33
"I've told you all of this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. Bu take heart! I've conquered the world"--The Message.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."--NLV

Have peace. Be assured. Take Heart.
There will be joy.

Haunted.

Saturday 14 August 2010


I was reading John Eldredge, and he said that a man's worst fear is defeat or not measuring up. He said a woman's worst fear is failed relationships, especially failed intimacy.

I'm a failure in so many ways. Even right this moment, so many of my failures stare me in the face. If I let them, my failures haunt me.

Failure feels like forfeiting sleep and well-being to hike a mountain. Only to realize that you aren't capable. It feels like turning around before you reached your goal, even as it looms in the distance. It feels like swallowing your pride as you admit that you can't do it.

Failure feels like realizing you let someone down. It feels like learning of a friends broken heart, and knowing you caused that pain. It feels like knowing you aren't strong enough to live what you thought you stood so strong for.

My worst fear came true this summer, and I experienced the loss of a friendship. Failed intimacy. It was a friendship that was slightly forced from the beginning, and yet a friendship that, through many common interests, led to intimacy. I knew her, and she knew me. Sadly, though, lines were forever crossed and the friendship was ruined. Hurtful words were exchanged. Trust was broken. Forgiveness has not yet been reached. I failed. I didn't handle the situation in the best way I could have, and I hurt someone I should have loved instead.

I tried mending things with my own hands and my own heartfelt words, but I failed yet again.

I need to remember that I serve a God who is in the business of forgiveness and he specializes in healing. His love is perfect, and He never fails. I'm surrendering this mess to Him.

And I focus on the bloom of budding relationships and the inception of new goals.
And I try again.


[run}away

Wednesday 4 August 2010

"To those who can dream there is no such thing as faraway"--Unknown.
.

[Re]build.

Monday 2 August 2010



I boarded up the windows.
I turned off the electricity.
I left the house in ruins.

Almost empty handed,
I held my heart in my hands.
Shattered. Pieces missing.

I took one last look back.
The yellow caution tape shouted
Never return.

And I was homeless,
Soaked by the torrents.
My shelter stripped away.

Then I heard my name
in a voice louder than all the others.

He called me to a rock.
A solid place.
He called me to rebuild.

And this time,
I was not alone.
Sanctuary.

I was never hungry.
I was never thirsty.
I never needed clothes.

He sheltered me under His wing.
Each morning His mercies were new.

The very first storm could not shake it.
There were no leaks.
He asked for myself. My sacrifices were finally enough.

The foundation was unshakeable.
It had dried long ago,
Waiting for me.

Healing began.
My heart slowly became pure
My heart became whole.

Even with pieces missing,
It began to beat again.



"Though the rains come in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it will not collapse. Because it has been built on bedrock." --Matthew 7.



Be Nice

Friday 23 July 2010


I'm re-reading a book I loved last summer... "Desire" by John Eldredge.

When I turned to page 53 and saw a section titled "Blessed Are the Nice" I knew I was going to be challenged.

I am nice.

I don't break rules.
I don't get angry often.
I always say "yes."
I want you to like me and never get upset with me.

I don't stray very far from the set path. {Literally}.
It took me months before I gained the courage to walk on the grass at JBU.

But, am I supposed to be nice? Or is nice just another form of apathetic?

Eldredge says, "We are producing a generation of men and women whose greatest virtue is that they don't offend anyone"

I don't know, Jesus was pretty offensive to His culture...

"But the diction used by Christ is quite gigantesque, it is full of camels leaping through needles and mountains hurled into the sea"--GK Chesterton

I really don't know...I'm just beginning to wrestle with the idea, and these are my thoughts.

twenty.

Tuesday 13 July 2010


Yesterday was my 20th birthday.
And there were so many firsts...

I woke up at 6AM and went to bed well after midnight, just to make the most of it.
I went to two of my favorite shopping places. And didn't shop.
I ate more food than I have eaten in the last week, complete with 2 free desserts.
I received my favorite flowers. For the first time. No one else has ever thought to ask.
I was sung to, in that embarrassing way, for the first time in a restaurant.
I didn't plan very much, but it ended up being for the best.

For the first time, I felt older on my birthday.
I was thinking, I'm pretty much 1/4 of the way done with my life.
And that scares me.
I need to start making more of a difference, living with more purpose.

I feel like God gave me this verse::
"We will no longer be immature like children. We won't be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ"--Ephesians 4:14

Some of my biggest, more regretted mistakes were made as a result of believing lies.
I will not be influenced by them any longer.
I will speak the truth and the words God gives me.
I desire to grow to be more and more like Christ.

Live. Love. Laugh.

Saturday 26 June 2010


She knows who she is.
She isn't afraid of confrontation.
She does not lie or keep secrets.
She does not do something simply because it's popular.
She thinks for herself.
She knows what she wants.
She knows she has a purpose.
She accepts her image.
She is not afraid.
She can be alone.
She has friends who care about her.
She does not compare herself.



She is not afraid.
Especially not of love.

It's getting easier.

Proverbs 31: 25
"She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instruction with kindness."

Almost.

Wednesday 23 June 2010


Do you ever feel like something incredible is about to happen?

That's how I have been feeling these past few weeks.
I sense God preparing me for something beautiful.

He has been melting these really hardened areas of my heart and softening my spirit.
Even while I have become more sensitive to those hurting around me.
And yet He has been strengthening my resolve and healing my insecurities.
At the same time He has been wooing me to a deeper intimacy with Him.
The best part is that I can see ways He is using me right where I am.



For her.

Sunday 20 June 2010

"The entire generation of adult women in any culture is systematically raising up the next, whether they mean to be or not.

What are you going to do about her?
What are you going to do for her?" -Beth Moore

I think that by becoming a more confident woman of God, I can help others to do the same.
I think that by living a life of purity and faith, I can help others do the same.
I think the pain I have suffered will only help me help others better

I think that hope, love, and confidence can become contagious.
Is that too lofty a dream?

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"--Ghandi.

Sick of fear.

Thursday 17 June 2010

Last night I was reading some Beth Moore, which is always more like having a conversation with Beth Moore than reading the same generic words thousands of other people are reading...and she asked me a question that I haven't been able to get over.

"What are you afraid of?"

I'm an internal thinker and I know myself really well...so I immediately replied with "Failure"

I'm afraid of never reaching my full potential at anything.
I'm afraid of ignoring the very thing I was put on earth to accomplish.
I'm afraid of messing up God's plan for my life.
That's what I'm most afraid of.

As a people pleaser, I think I sometimes try to please God.
If I do everything right, maybe He'll love me more.
This is terrible thinking. But I have fallen into it nonetheless.

Last night as I was reading, I came across this passage and began to cry tears of understanding.

"God the maker of heaven and earth, will...
perfect everything that concerns you (Ps 138:8)
work all things together for your good (Romans 8:28)
contend with those who contend with you (Isaiah 49:25)
fight this battle for you (2 Chronicles 20:15)
equip you with divine power (2 Cor. 10:4)
delight to show you mercy (Micah 7:18)
meet all your needs according to My glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phillippians 4:19)
give you grace that is perfectly sufficient (2 Cor. 12:9)
be your power in weakness (2 Cor 12:9)
do immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within you (Ephesians 3:20)"
-p. 322 "So Long, Insecurity"

I have never felt more loved than right then as I read these promises.
I'm learning to trust Him more.
I'm sick of fear.


"Fear consumes massive amounts of energy and focus and can chew a hole through our intestines, our relationship, and countless opportunities"--Beth Moore.

Framed.

Tuesday 15 June 2010

"I think it is a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is." - Vladimir Nabokov

Joy and Woe.

Friday 11 June 2010

My alarm went off at 8am today.
I looked up in my skylight and it was grey. Looked like rain.
I didn't have to work.
I didn't have to be anywhere.
But I had an appointment with my running shoes.

It takes a lot of motivation for me to forfeit sleep for miles of sweat and side stitches.
Most people don't get it.
But my motivation today was Quenton Cassidy.

Cassidy is a miler in this book I'm reading called "Once a Runner."
I read it before I go to bed, hoping that something will stick with me until morning, and convince me to get my butt in gear and run in the morning. It worked today.

"Quenton Cassidy knew what the mystic-runners, the joggers, the runner-poets, the Zen runners, and others of their ilk were talking about. But he also knew that their euphoric selves were generally nowhere to be seen on dark, rainy mornings. They marily wanted to talk it, not do it."
I don't want to be a runner who runs because it feels good. I want to focus on my pace, I want to be uncomfortable. I want to breathe hard, I want to sweat. I love running the most in the last 40o of a 5K. When everything in me wants to quit, but I don't.

I want to be more than a runner. I want to be competitive.

"The true competitive runner, simmering in his own existenctial juices...ran because it grounded him in basics. There was both life and death in it; it was unadulterated by media hype, trivial cares, political meddling. He suspected it kept him from that most real variety of schizophrenia...Running to him was real; the way he did it the realest thing he knew. It was all joy and woe, hard as diamond; it made him weary beyond comprehension. But it also made him free."

So, now you've met my running partner, Quenton Cassidy.
He's in my head when I'm running, he gets me up in the morning. He makes me so excited for Cross Country.

Healing.

Saturday 5 June 2010


Recently, GLB has been blogging about this amazing book that is changing her perspectives.

It's called "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore.
I'm only about 1/2 way through, and already this book has been a journey, a revealing tale of my own heart and my own self. I never would have said before that I am an insecure person...but I can admit it now, I am. I've believed the lies of the world. I've let this culture steal from me. I've put too much weight on relationships that could do nothing but collapse under the pressure...and I've let insecurity dig its roots deep into my heart.

It's hard to fully explain what this book has helped me realize, because honestly, its been a journey of my heart. A journey that I don't intent to end until I find healing.

Here's my confession:: I got to chaper 9, entitled "A Time and Place to Heal," and I shut the book. I didn't open the cover for over two weeks. I was afraid. Afraid to ask for healing, afraid to face how beat up my heart really is.
But, today I went to a wedding and those insecurities rose up full force. So, instead of letting them defeat me, I drove with the book, my journal, and my Bible to the park.

Second confession: I was afraid to get out of the car once I got to the park. Seriously, how long am I going to let insecurity paralyze me? I was wearing this bright blue floor length cotton dress, and I was afraid of what people would think when they saw me get out of my car, walk to the center of the island at Heritage Park, and sit in the grass with my Bible. (There were a TON of parties at the park today, every shelter was full). But, I gathered my nerves and did it anyway. I'm determined to start uprooting insecurity in my life. Determined.

Here's my favorite part of the prayer Beth Moore asked me to pray today::

"Where I lost innocence, grant me integrity.
Where I lost a relationship, grant me true intimacy.
Where I lost a home, grant me an internal, unshakable sense of belonging.
Where I've held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive.
Don't stop until You've made a miracle out of me."

A Hobby of Mine.

Wednesday 2 June 2010



I love to read.

Give me a book, some juice (I'm trying to lay off the coffee), and a head lamp (really great for camping&reading I found out), and I'll be content for hours.

Or I like this combination, too. A book, a swimsuit, water, and a towel. That's a good one.
Or...A book, a blanket, bug spray, and the Heritage lake. Probably my favorite.

So far, this is my summer reading list. Some are purely for fun, others out of duty, and others because I have to for the Gateway class I'm mentoring. Ready? It's lengthy.
1. House Rules, by Jodi Picoult. I already finished it, and absolutely LOVED it.
2. Keeping Faith, by Jodi Picoult. Again, finished. I read this little guy in 2 1/2 days.
3. So Long, Insecurity, by Beth Moore. I'm halfway through this one, it actually pertains to reality.
4. Once a Runner, by John L. Parker Jr. I bought this one from Borders, which is a big deal. I couldn't resist the words from a writer at Runner's World. He said, "The best piece of running fiction around. Beg, borrow, or buy a copy, and you'll never need another motivator." I was sold.
5. Emma, by Jane Austen. It's a classic, enough said.
6. Grimm's Fairy Tales.
7. Cry, The Beloved Country, by Alan Paton. For class.
8. College Matters to God, by Rick Ostrander. Same as above.
9. The Maltese Falcon, Dashiell Hammett. Class.
10. The Mirror Crack'd, Agatha Cristie. Again.
11. The Bar on the Seine, Georges Simenon. And again.

Well, that's the list for now.
If any of you readers know of a book that you loved, and think is list-worthy...tell me!

Aftermath.

Tuesday 25 May 2010


One time,
I built something. I built something like a house.
I built it with my own hands.I did it myself.

I put up walls. I fixed boundaries.
I hammered things, even if they didn't quite fit, together.

It looked beautiful from the outside.
It was colorful. It was new. It was exciting.

I put up pictures.
I created memories.
I displayed the very best of times.

I unpacked my suitcase.
I filled the closet and the drawers.
I planned to stay a while.

I thought it was strong.
I thought it would withstand anything.
I thought wrong.

The very first storm destroyed it.
At first it was a small leak, barely noticeable.
I tried to fix it using myself. But my sacrifices weren't enough.

Soon the holes were everywhere, obvious.
The very first storm destroyed it.

The foundation was weak.
There was no cement.
I had forgotten to wait for it to dry.

I built a house on sand.
The very first storm destroyed it.

Everything fell apart around me.
The nails that I had driven stung.
The pieces I tried to make fit, never could.

The aftermath was the worst. Only the truth survived.
I discovered that I had been building all alone.

Once,
I built something. I built something like a relationship.
I built it with my own heart. I did it to myself.

Road Trip to....

Sunday 23 May 2010


My family is so random.

We decided 2 weeks ago that we were going to go on vacation at the end of the month.
We decided 2 days ago that we were going to Ohio, specifically Cedar Point.

Cedar Point is home of the tallest roller coaster in the US.
It has a world breaking record of 17 roller coasters in its theme park.

I've done my research. :)

What I'm really excited about, though, is that it is located right on Lake Eerie.
I've always had a thing for the Great Lakes, ever since 6th grade geography...don't ask me why.

So, we're off on our random adventure.
Who knows what will happen between here and Ohio.

Strengths and weaknesses

Thursday 20 May 2010


Pain is part of my everyday life.
I ran 6 miles tonight. It was misting. It was grey. I had a side stitch and my calves cramped up.

I worked for 5 hours today. I was forced to step out of my box and engage with strangers. I had to convince myself that I could be an extrovert for 5 stretching hours.

I drove alone in my car for about an hour. Memories always come back when I'm by myself in the summer. For some reason I have this constant thought process, and it never stops. I'm always worrying, always wondering, always remembering.

My heart hurts. Each day is a fight against bitterness. Each day is a fight to believe there is a purpose in all of this. Each day is a fight to find the positive. I think that if each of us were honest, there is a place in all of our hearts that hurts. We have all lost something or someone. All of our dreams have been crushed at some point in time. But we also have this choice to live for something greater, to find joy in the suffering.

You have to face the clouds to find the silver lining, right?

So, here are my positives::

I ran 6 miles today. It wasn't hot. No one honked at me today or scared me enough to make me jump (like that motorcycle the other day). I burned around 600 calories. I could have had 2 starbucks and still been okay...But I didn't.

I worked 5 hours today, 5 hours that I wasn't scheduled to work. I learned a lot from my new manager, and I am becoming more confident each day. I enjoy working with people. They are way better than numbers.

I think my heart is finally healing. It gets a little easier each day. I'm getting stronger. Learning to love being free. Standing taller.

"Love never gives up,
Never fails,
Never loses faith,
Is always hopeful,
And endures through every circumstance"
I Cor. 13:7

If I Were Brave

Monday 17 May 2010


Here are ten things I would do if I were truly brave: {idea: yourwishcake}

1. I would become a brunette.
2. I would say "no" more often.
3. I would sew and wear my own clothing.
4. I would wear this jumper that I bought in public.
5. I would run a 6:30 pace.
6. I would master water skiing.
7. I would tell him how I really feel.
8. I would start writing my book.
9. I would pray an impossibly big prayer.
10. I would intern for Beth Moore.

Just Words.

Wednesday 12 May 2010



Boy meets girl. Brown eyes. Opposites attract. Don’t worry ‘bout it. Country boy. City girl. Fast, faster, fastest. Do you trust me? Last firsts. Unreciprocated. Stolen treasure. Fools gold. More than pretty. Love life. You are beautiful. Just do it. Have fun! Don’t pressure me. I’m so lucky. Open book. Fall for you. So perfect. Pretty eyes. Just call me stupid. I missed you. Once. Try harder. Happy Anniversary. Ditto. Force quit. Almost there. Forever and Always. Fearless. Scared to death. Let love in. Never good enough. Second best. Shortcuts. You could do better. Pens blood. Mewithoutyou. Sob story. Used. Cruel memories. Nonchalant. Give and take. Freedom. Regrets. Miss me. Unsaid. Clean slate.
Never give up.

I want.


Tom's newest shoe...

Friends.

Monday 10 May 2010

I was thinking last night about my friends who are going to be in ministry this summer...and I was struck with the realization that God is using SO many of my dear friends for His will this summer.
And I got really excited.

Here's the list: (In case you want to join me in praying for them.)

Sarah-LTP--Kansas City
Hannah--her church ministry---Manhattan
Erin--Pine Cove---Texas
Grace---New Zealand
Kendrea---Chicago
Libby-Kids club---Tulsa
Rachel---Mexico
Britany--Youthfront Camp---Edgerton
John---Kanakuk---Missouri
Britton---Chicago area
Craig---India

I'm just so excited for all of them. What great friends I have, willing to sacrifice their summers.
Part of me is tempted to feel insignificant because I'm working at the mall and living at home this summer...but then I remember that God can use us wherever we are, whatever stage of life we are in. So, I'm getting excited for that too.

Yay for summer.

Endless Love

Wednesday 5 May 2010





Semester.
It's so weird to think about where I was one year ago...
Or even one semester ago...
To remember the people that I loved and somehow lost...
To think of the things I gained and gave away.
To smile at my successes, and cry for the instances I failed.
To look at pictures and smile, to look at scars and remember.


{I'm different from the girl of last year. Last year's girl tried so hard, she had her life organized into comfortable little labeled boxes, she appeared to have everything all together, she never cried.
This year's girl quit trying prove herself, her world is disorganized and inconsistent, she is a mess and doesn't have a plan, she cries at least every other day.}

The only stable thing in my life is God.

Over the past three hundred some days...I've experienced God in highs, but mostly in ultimate lows. And yet, I'm the most content right now than I have been in a while. I've come to grip with the fact that I am not perfect, I'm never going to be perfect, and God doesn't expect my perfection. I found my true self and met His grace, so real, when I hit bottom.


Out of love and hatred, out of earnings and borrowings and leadings and losses; out of sickness and pain; out of wooing and worshipping; out of traveling and voting and watching and caring; out of disgrace and contempt, comes our tuition in the serene and beautiful laws.-Ralph Waldo Emerson



Plea.

Saturday 1 May 2010


{Break Me Into Who You Want Me To Be}