Heartache.

My heart won't stop aching.

My aunt's funeral was today.

I wasn't there.

I was in Arkansas, facing a rainy day on my own.

The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

Add finals, papers, and a misplaced trust...and you have a mess--me.

"I will praise you in my pain.

You're all I need.

I will seek you in the rain"--{The Rain by Last Place}

Jaded.

Right now, I'm trying desperately not to become jaded.

Although I don't believe in glass slippers or true love's kiss...

I do believe that there's someone out there who won't think that my morals are absurd, someone who wants more than a good time, someone who has maturity that actually matches their age. Someone like this:

"He was one of those rare men who lived what he believed, not once in a while, but every hour of every day. Even when the going wasn't easy. As gentle of a man as he was, as tender as was his heart, there was nothing weak about Michael Hosea. He was the strongest minded man Joseph had ever met. A man like Noah, a man like the shepherd-king David. A man after God's own heart."

That's a description of a character in a book that I read. {Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers}

I believe there is still a handful left of Michael Hosea's out there. My best friend is dating one. My aunt is living a happily-ever-after with hers right now. Men who are strong in who they are, in who their God is, in what they want. Men unafraid of love, willing to romance.

So...resist the temptation to settle. I am.

Here I am.

And I stand so tall.

Just the way I'm supposed to be.

-Sara Bareilles

Masquerade.

{Life in a fallen world is like attending the ultimate masquerade party.

Lust can masquerade as a love for beauty.

Gossip does its evil work by living in the costume of concern and prayer.

Craving for power and control wears the mask of biblical leadership.

Fear of man gets dressed up as a servant heart.

The pride of always being right masquerades as a love for biblical wisdome.

Evil simply doesn't present itself as evil, which is part of its draw}

-Paul David Tripp

May::Tuberous Sclerosis Month.

I bought one of these bracelets this weekend.

And one of these car magnets...

It says, "Cure Tuberous Sclerosis."

May is National Tuberous Sclerosis month, and I'm really excited for it. You see, I live with TSC; I was diagnosed with this rare genetic disorder when I was 15. Neither of my parents have it. Rather, one of my genes mutated...or something.

The fact that I have a genetic disorder has never really phased me. I liked having something to share during those times we were forced to go around the circle and "share something interesting about yourself." It makes me different. The white spots (or cafe' au lait spots) on my left leg and right arm don't bother me--I call them my inside-out freckles. The angio fibromas on my face aren't really that noticeable, and makeup takes care of them. The orange peel structure on my wrist is actually kind of cool, the tubers on my brain, at worst, give me headaches, but I can live with them. I have an MRI once a year on my brain and I have a kidney ultrasound bi-yearly. I have my own radiologist. Some day I'll have to go to genetic counseling to determine whether I want to have my own children (they have a 50% chance of being born with TSC). And even though I found another skin disorder (which starts developing at age 20 and is the most disgusting of the skin disorders) on my toe two days ago, and will probably have to have surgery on it this summer, things could still be so much worse.

I'm just blessed because I don't have any of the really terrible symptoms of tuberous sclerosis. I don't have seizures or mental problems or learning difficulties. My doctor told me that I'm his only patient with tuberous sclerosis who has made it to my age and is able to attend, and get good grades in, college.

I'm sad because there are so many affected by TSC, and they are mostly young kids. TSC affects 1 in 6,000 children and is the leading cause of epilepsy and autism. And yet, it's so exciting because there are a lot of different things that are happening to raise money for finding a cure. Two really big ones are Step Forward for a Cure (go here to learn more) and Comedy for a Cure (go here to learn more).

So now if you see me wearing that bracelet, or proudly displaying that bumper sticker on my car, you'll know why. I'm trying to do my part.

Shoes.

I've been thinking about these shoes all day...

I've decided

1-They can go with anything except leopard print, which is almost everything in my closet

2-I could wear them with brown OR black

3-I don't own anything like them already

4-I saw them like 5 days ago, and am still thinking about them. (I am clearly in love)

Therefore, I should buy them.

I'm working on being less of an impulse buyer, can you tell?

Run.

Running is my self-renewing compulsion.

I'll be honest and say that the last few days haven't been too peachy. I'll say that I cried for a good hour last night, but couldn't express what I have been feeling. I'll admit that I haven't opened my journal in days because I'm afraid of what the pages will say when I'm done. I haven't talked to God in a while because I'm a little too hurt, a little too angry, a little too confused.

But running always changes things.

When I run, I can talk to God. I can thank him for the beautiful open fields, the blue endless sky, for the blood that I can feel pumping through my body, for the clarity that comes at then end when I realize that I finally accomplished something. I feel strong and capable of anything when I run.

I noticed that when I'm stressed or going through something, my mileage goes up.

I ran 5 miles today, the longest I've gone in a long time. And I realized that running has some truths embedded in it that are part of the grand scheme of life.

These guys say it well::

"The real purpose of running isn't to win a race, its to test the limits of the human heart."-Bill Bowerman

"Good things come slowly-especially in distance running."

So the next time your heart is hurting, try lacing up your running shoes...but just remember, good things come slowly.

Me.

I'm tired of being someone else for someone else.

I have been the dirt-bike girl,

I have been the K-State football fanatic,

I have been the health freak,

I have been the honors student,

I have been put-together, always dressed up.

I have been casual, shorts and a pony-tail.

I have been non-demanding, un-controlling, spontaneous.

I have been sports-y, philosophical and even flirty.

But those aren't the real me::

I get scared going down hills on a bicycle, let alone a dirt-bike. I'm a little break-happy.

I love watching the running back catch the ball and run down the field fast, but I still don't understand what a first down is.

I love ice cream, sweethearts, starburst, twizzlers...I have candy in my room at all times. I couldn't live without the occasional frappacino.

I get good grades, but it doesn't come naturally. I have to study for hours to pass tests. I took the ACT 3 times and went through various ACT Prep classes.

I hate wearing sweatpants in public, I love to dress up. I don't like pony-tails, and I'm insecure about my profile.

I'm a planner. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I hate waiting on people to make decisions. If I decide a time to do something, I'll be on time, not 15 minutes late.

I love sports, but I'm average at everything. I despise arguing and debating.

My favorite thing to do is to spend time with the people I care about. My love language is quality time. I love sitting and talking and learning about people's hearts.

I can be alone and be just fine. I internally process EVERYTHING, and I'm always thinking about something.

I love being outside. Hiking and camping are great, but only if there's a tent, bug repellent and hand sanitizer.

I'm a journal-er, and I think deeply about everything around me. Shallow people annoy me.

I'm from the city--I do city-girl things like go to book stores and shopping malls and coffee shops.

I love writing, but I'm afraid of anyone ever reading my work.

I want to be a speaker, but I get nervous in front of people.

I have big dreams, but I'm afraid to say them out loud.

I don't have it all together. Sometimes I sit in my room and cry for no reason. Sometimes I wish I was someone else--someone who has life figured out. I've made mistakes, I'm not perfect.

I'm not funny. I don't do well when I meet strangers. I close up in big groups. When it gets loud I get quiet.

I know, big suprise. I'm not who you thought I am.

But someday someone will get to know the me I keep hidden, and won't wish I was any different.

Right?

Discoveries

I discovered three really amazing, life-changing things this past weekend.

1-Stem. It's this machine that the trainer hooked up to my IT band (outside knee). It felt kind of tingly...and a bunch of electromagnetic waves shot through the tendons in my knee and contracted and relaxed all the tight muscles in there. (That's what I think happened anyways). And the next day I felt like a brand new person, and I ran 4 miles without a bit of pain. Marvelous.

2-You don't have to hold the nozzle of the gas thing the whole time you fill up your car! Rachel showed me this hidden button underneath, and when you push it and set it down it just holds itself up and funnels gas into your car without you having to do anything! I never knew this before...although I'm sure everyone else at all the gas stations in the past have laughed at me while I stood there holding the nozzle the entire time....

3-This book called "Whiter than Snow" by Paul David Tripp. It's all about the story of David and Psalm 51. Which God keeps throwing at me! This is the 3rd time I've done a study on David this semester...I guess I haven't got what I'm supposed to get yet...

But here is a really great quote that I got just from the preface!

"David's story is your story...There are times when you let yourself be ruled by your self-focused desires rather than by God's clear commands. There are times when you love something in the creation more than you love the Creator. There are times when you willingly step over God's boundaries in pursuit of what you want. THere are times when your little kingdom of one means more to you than his transcendent kingdom of glory. There are times when you work hard to deny what you have done or to cover up your tracks in fear of being caught."

I've done all that, I'm just as bad as David. I just am so glad for God's victory of grace over the sin that captivated David's heart, and captivates my heart as well.