Fill in the blank spaces.

"One of the gifts of being a writer is that it gives you an excuse to do things, to go places and explore. Another is that writing motivates you to look closely at life, at life as it lurches by and tramps around."--Anne Lamott

Sometimes, my pen bleeds.

Sometimes, my pen bleeds your name.

Honest.

"In confession. . . we open our live to healing, reconciling, restoring, uplifting grace of him who loves us in spite of what we are." --Louis Cassels

Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I'm so much better than I really am.

And sometimes reality smacks hard.

And I teeter between losing myself to insecurity and or forgetting myself in pride.

As Beth Moore says, "Just because pride fills a heart doesn't keep it from breaking. It just keeps it from healing."

And how my heart aches for healing.

I realized that the only One who can know who I really am and continue to love me without even a second thought---is God.

I love this::

"Lord, you have examined my heart

and you know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head."

Psalm 139

He knows the real, honest, transparent, most vulnerable me.

And He still loves me.

Broken.

Through different circumstances this summer, God has shown me just how broken this place we live in is.

The girl who tries to fill the emptiness with clubs and parties and beer.

The girl who keeps giving in and settling until she has nothing left.

The girl who has been hurt by almost every male she has ever trusted or loved.

The girl who is so jealous of someone else that she loses herself.

And so many more...

I have heard story after story of death, betrayal, jealousy, abuse and more.

And I have had to wrestle with the question that a twelve year old asked me::

"If God is so loving, why would He let this happen to me?"

I know our world is broken because of sin.

I know that God cries with us when we hurt.

I know that someday, healing will come.

But it is so difficult to see another person's pain, and not wonder why.

As I prayed and searched for answers, God directed me to John 16.

And, lets just say I don't believe in coincidences...

You can read it for yourself, but here's the conclusion:

John 16:33

"I've told you all of this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. Bu take heart! I've conquered the world"--The Message.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."--NLV

Have peace. Be assured. Take Heart.

There will be joy.

Haunted.

I was reading John Eldredge, and he said that a man's worst fear is defeat or not measuring up. He said a woman's worst fear is failed relationships, especially failed intimacy.

I'm a failure in so many ways. Even right this moment, so many of my failures stare me in the face. If I let them, my failures haunt me.

Failure feels like forfeiting sleep and well-being to hike a mountain. Only to realize that you aren't capable. It feels like turning around before you reached your goal, even as it looms in the distance. It feels like swallowing your pride as you admit that you can't do it.

Failure feels like realizing you let someone down. It feels like learning of a friends broken heart, and knowing you caused that pain. It feels like knowing you aren't strong enough to live what you thought you stood so strong for.

My worst fear came true this summer, and I experienced the loss of a friendship. Failed intimacy. It was a friendship that was slightly forced from the beginning, and yet a friendship that, through many common interests, led to intimacy. I knew her, and she knew me. Sadly, though, lines were forever crossed and the friendship was ruined. Hurtful words were exchanged. Trust was broken. Forgiveness has not yet been reached. I failed. I didn't handle the situation in the best way I could have, and I hurt someone I should have loved instead.

I tried mending things with my own hands and my own heartfelt words, but I failed yet again.

I need to remember that I serve a God who is in the business of forgiveness and he specializes in healing. His love is perfect, and He never fails. I'm surrendering this mess to Him.

And I focus on the bloom of budding relationships and the inception of new goals.

And I try again.

[run}away

"To those who can dream there is no such thing as faraway"--Unknown.

.

[Re]build.

I boarded up the windows.

I turned off the electricity.

I left the house in ruins.

Almost empty handed,

I held my heart in my hands.

Shattered. Pieces missing.

I took one last look back.

The yellow caution tape shouted

Never return.

And I was homeless,

Soaked by the torrents.

My shelter stripped away.

Then I heard my name

in a voice louder than all the others.

He called me to a rock.

A solid place.

He called me to rebuild.

And this time,

I was not alone.

Sanctuary.

I was never hungry.

I was never thirsty.

I never needed clothes.

He sheltered me under His wing.

Each morning His mercies were new.

The very first storm could not shake it.

There were no leaks.

He asked for myself. My sacrifices were finally enough.

The foundation was unshakeable.

It had dried long ago,

Waiting for me.

Healing began.

My heart slowly became pure

My heart became whole.

Even with pieces missing,

It began to beat again.

"Though the rains come in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it will not collapse. Because it has been built on bedrock." --Matthew 7.