Haunted.

I was reading John Eldredge, and he said that a man's worst fear is defeat or not measuring up. He said a woman's worst fear is failed relationships, especially failed intimacy.

I'm a failure in so many ways. Even right this moment, so many of my failures stare me in the face. If I let them, my failures haunt me.

Failure feels like forfeiting sleep and well-being to hike a mountain. Only to realize that you aren't capable. It feels like turning around before you reached your goal, even as it looms in the distance. It feels like swallowing your pride as you admit that you can't do it.

Failure feels like realizing you let someone down. It feels like learning of a friends broken heart, and knowing you caused that pain. It feels like knowing you aren't strong enough to live what you thought you stood so strong for.

My worst fear came true this summer, and I experienced the loss of a friendship. Failed intimacy. It was a friendship that was slightly forced from the beginning, and yet a friendship that, through many common interests, led to intimacy. I knew her, and she knew me. Sadly, though, lines were forever crossed and the friendship was ruined. Hurtful words were exchanged. Trust was broken. Forgiveness has not yet been reached. I failed. I didn't handle the situation in the best way I could have, and I hurt someone I should have loved instead.

I tried mending things with my own hands and my own heartfelt words, but I failed yet again.

I need to remember that I serve a God who is in the business of forgiveness and he specializes in healing. His love is perfect, and He never fails. I'm surrendering this mess to Him.

And I focus on the bloom of budding relationships and the inception of new goals.

And I try again.