Fearful.

I get very tired of running in circles.

But here I am again, trying to let go of my fear

so I can hold on to love.

We are learning "Deep Meaning" in counseling this week,

and what I'm finding is that a lot of our setbacks 

come from this foundation of fear.

Fear of failure.

Fear of loss.

Fear of regret.

Fear of condemnation.

And gosh, those are so huge for me.

I only want to give myself to the things, the people

I know won't let me down.

The ones who won't hurt me.

But honestly, living in that fear has only cost me.

Isolating, Withdrawing, Denying,

my fears have only kept me from living openly.

I sometimes pursue perfection, 

but that is such a cold box to live within. 

And to try to control my own safety is to 

stop trusting in the God who is capable of picking me back up. 

I want to live out of the only true safety,

I want to be fortified with the love of God in my soul,

because then I can take risks and give my love, my heart, myself, to others.

Each of us pays a heavy price for our fear of falling flat on our faces. It assures the progressive narrowing of our personalities and prevents exploration and experimentation. As we get older, we do only the things we do well. There is no growth in Christ Jesus without some difficulty and fumbling. If we are going to keep on growing, we must keep on risking failure throughout our lives . . . -- B. Manning

Speak

There are so many words.

The ones I want to say,

the ones I feel deeply within,

the ones I want to share.

And I think them, feel them.

Strongly.

But I am afraid of the out loud,

of the offering,

of the giving away,

of the secrets spoken.

They are safer within.

A long time ago I thought God was asking me to speak,

to write and touch young ears with words.

Like Moses, Jeremiah,

I doubted my own words.

Speaking, like healing and forward movement,

takes a lot of courage.

"Do not say, 'I am only a youth;
for all to whom I send you,
you shall go,
And whatever I command you,
you shall speak.
Do not be afraid of them.
For I am with you to deliver you,
declares the Lord."
Jeremiah 1:7,8

I too am a failure. 

I too have fled my calling.

I too don't believe in my own capacity to speak anymore.

I too need to return to faithfulness.