Conflict

Back in grad school, our teachers brought up a touchy conversation.

"Do you want to be a Christian Counselor,"

they asked,

"Or a counselor who is Christian?"

I know what my pastor would want me to say, 

I know what my 24 years of Christian Education taught me...but

I have a really hard time saying I want to be a Christian Counselor.

I don't want to have all Christian clients.

I don't want to pray together before every session 

or share a devotional together as we end the 50 minutes.

I would rather sit with those who gave up on God,

who question Him and ask hard questions,

who doubt the existence someone who could still love them.

I've also been asked, 

"How do you not share Christ with you clients,

after all, He's the only one who can save them from _____."

Fill in the blank with what you want...

depression,

mental illness,

addiction,

shame and guilt.

But I don't think the regular Christian answers work.

"He's in control"

"Everything happens for a reason"

"He won't give you more than you can handle"

Statements like these make my clients roll their eyes,

and push God even further away.

And this is my inner conflict.

My code of ethics tell me not push my personal beliefs onto others.

My Christian faith tells me to share the Good News.

So, I get up each day and pray for my clients.

I ask God to let others see Him through me.

I ask to be an example of love and grace.

I ask everyday for wisdom and strength.

Most importantly, I ask questions about the fear, doubt, and mistrust

I wonder out loud about their relationship with a Higher Power.

I point out the competing belief in themselves, of their right to an uncomplicated life.

And in these ways, 

maybe I am a Christian Counselor after all.

Awkward

There's something about being a counselor,

that forces me to be myself.

It probably has something to with the fact that

I believe my clients are smart.

I believe they've been through a lot.

I believe they see through facades and smiles.

I believe they will see past my pretending. 

Counseling is an intimate sort of relationship.

I have to be a safe place where clients feel comfortable.

Some of my clients tell the truth for the first time in my office

about their regrets,

about that trauma,

about what they run from.

And safe things aren't false.

So I've been forced to spend the last 3 1/2 years getting to know myself.

And one of the first things I found out was...

I'm really awkward.

I don't like talking on the phone. 

I have this strange embarrassed giggle.

I get nervous when in front of people,

and I don't always have the perfect words to say.

The second thing I found out,

I really do care.

I want the best for my clients.

The more clients I have, and begin to care for,

The easier it is to love the person next to me at Starbucks.

The more I realize we are all struggling with change somehow.

Stories stay with me.

Sometimes the boundaries are hard,

and I just want to be friends,

or take them to church,

or have them over for dinner

 and talk about baking.

So here I am,

Realizing I am an awkward, caring, professional. 

Laying down earlier expectations of perfection.

The more I embrace my person,

the more I begin to love myself, 

and the easier it is to get close to others.

2014

I'm following the lead of my fellow bloggers, 

and made a list of the things I want to remember about 2014.

So much happened in my life, I almost don't know where to start.

I GOT MARRIED.

Christopher and I planned the wedding I always wanted.

We put expectations aside, and had a 15 person wedding under a tree.

Since we were both baristas making minimum wage, 

We spent our savings on a photographer, our favorite cake, and a park shelter.

According to us, it was beautiful and perfect. 

I'm so glad we were forced to focus on what was important--

our vows we were making to God and each other.

I graduated from my Master's Program.

After 2 years of the hardest thing I've ever done, 

I walked across a stage, along with the only other people who will ever understand,

hugged the professors who made me cry, and challenged me to be better.

and received my diploma.

 I got my first "real" job.

I spent all summer sending my resumes to Nashville and Colorado.

We wanted to get out of Kansas, begin a new adventure together.

But God had other plans. 

One day I responded to a job in Lawrence, and had an interview the next week.

 I interviewed for an addictions counselor job the same week I got married.

I found out during my honeymoon I had the job.

I look back and I know God was watching out for us, I had quit my job at Starbucks,

we didn't have a place to live yet, and we were nearing the end of our rope.

We moved to Lawrence, Kansas

It isn't Nashville, and it isn't the mountains,

but it is a sweet community of families and students.

Christopher lived here during college, 

and we are content. 

I realized having these things wasn't going to make me happy.

I made it--I had the husband, the salaried job, the cute apartment to call our own...

but the only thing I felt was stress, anxiety, and unhappiness. 

I had told myself for 2 years that this was it--the finish line.

The place to be. When I got here everything would fall into place for me.

But it wasn't true.

I had formed my own version of idolatry, and had fashioned my own perfect little life to worship.

I forgot that it isn't people, places, or things that make life worth it.

I forgot to thank God for the blessings I have, I forgot to spend each morning giving up control.

So for the past month I've been doing just that.

And I've found the stress, anxiety, and over-all negative spirit fading.

As I remember to see today, the people I'll counsel, the husband I'll love

through God's eyes, it's so much easier. 

I've been rebuilding my faith, and finding myself all over again.