Awkward

There's something about being a counselor,

that forces me to be myself.

It probably has something to with the fact that

I believe my clients are smart.

I believe they've been through a lot.

I believe they see through facades and smiles.

I believe they will see past my pretending. 

Counseling is an intimate sort of relationship.

I have to be a safe place where clients feel comfortable.

Some of my clients tell the truth for the first time in my office

about their regrets,

about that trauma,

about what they run from.

And safe things aren't false.

So I've been forced to spend the last 3 1/2 years getting to know myself.

And one of the first things I found out was...

I'm really awkward.

I don't like talking on the phone. 

I have this strange embarrassed giggle.

I get nervous when in front of people,

and I don't always have the perfect words to say.

The second thing I found out,

I really do care.

I want the best for my clients.

The more clients I have, and begin to care for,

The easier it is to love the person next to me at Starbucks.

The more I realize we are all struggling with change somehow.

Stories stay with me.

Sometimes the boundaries are hard,

and I just want to be friends,

or take them to church,

or have them over for dinner

 and talk about baking.

So here I am,

Realizing I am an awkward, caring, professional. 

Laying down earlier expectations of perfection.

The more I embrace my person,

the more I begin to love myself, 

and the easier it is to get close to others.