So Simple.

Sometimes I get afraid that I am going to go through life without living.

The fear usually brings about trying something new,

forcing myself to go someplace alone,

or asking a stranger a question about themselves.

But what if I'm going about living the wrong way.

Instead of self-consciously mapping out my next move,

what if I instead tried something more simple,

like being present.

Being present in this ordinary time 

where I am still somewhat dependent on my parents,

where I try to get to know my best friends, now married, in a new way.

where I encounter hurried, selfish, and yet still giving humanity in others at work,

where I walk the edge of this road of loneliness without giving into self-reliance.

Instead of remembering and wishing for past college days,

or hoping and pining for future, supposedly more put together, adult days.

In the counseling sphere, we call this "Mindfulness," or "Active Listening"

Focusing on the person before us,

without judgement or selfishness,

to be compassionate and focused on them.

Listening without bringing ourselves into the picture.

"The effort to free ourselves from concerns and the willingness to put aside fuzzy distractions involves a kind of death in order to take up the cross of the present moment."-Brennan Manning

If I try really hard, I can be here.

I can hear the trusty sound of traffic,

and see the soft glow of sunlight from the overhead skylight.

And it is in this moment, the now,

that I truly feel God's presence,

apart from my worries and distractions and plans.

He is here--like always--actively listening & taking part in me.

And that makes me feel alive.

No Disadvantage

I have a confession to make:

This past weekend I went to a single's conference.

No, it was not put on by E-Harmony,

or its Christian counterpart Christian Mingle.
(Not that there is anything wrong with them! I'm just not ready to go there.)

It was hosted by a church whose theology I trust.

It still felt weird to sit in a pew amidst a LOT of other single people.

It was almost like some sort of confession,

& unmasked a lot of lies I didn't even know were there.

Yet it was freeing to realize there are lots of kinds of singleness.

The divorced kind,

the just out of college kind,

the widowed kind,

the 38 and never been married kind.

I sat there in my row of lovely single friends,

& listened to the pastor plainly and openly talk about singleness

on a background of the Word.

"The Kingdom is a far great Reality than marriage."

"Singleness is just as much a way to participate in the Kingdom as marriage."

"Singleness is a time to invest in the Kingdom of God and to lay up treasure in the Kingdom."

"There are no disadvantages to being single."

"You contribute to the Kingdom by making disciples, not only by bearing children."

It was a lot of truth that went against some things I hear in culture today.

And it was just enough to calm my heart,

focus my hope on things eternal,

and direct my love towards the others in my life.

Seek ye first the kingdom....right?

Mid-Adventure

People often talk about "pursuing their dreams"

I have quotes about dreams all over my room.

One that a dear friend gave me.

They say dreams are possible,

and inside of us.

I say dreams are God-given,

and part of who we are made to be,

part of a journey towards the true us.

And even as I'm on this road towards pursuing one dream of many,

to become a counselor,

a helper,

a confidante,

a better person.

It's hard.

I don't always love this place I'm in.

I don't always enjoy spending 10 hours each week a classroom 

after working my heart out in customer service all day long.

But I have to tell myself that this is the part where I grow,

where I become stronger,

where I figure out who I am.

The part I'll look back and be thankful for.

It's a beautiful journey:

if I could just appreciate the now

instead of being impatient for the later.

I like this quote from Jeff Goins,

I hope wherever you are, whatever the dream, you're okay with it taking a while. That you're patient and persevering, willing to let it take time so you can savor the moment when it does arrive. 

I don't know how long your road is, but I hope you'll remember to enjoy every step of the way. And know that if you are faithful to the work, you'll see results. They won't look exactly like you'd expect, but that's what makes the whole process beautiful."

So close.

I love the way God draws us to himself.

I've recently been spending quite a bit of time alone. 

I've been doing things on my own.

Going places by myself.

The other day as I was driving around town

I felt this sudden draw to stop at a nearby park

and spend intentional time with God.

So I followed this longing in my heart,

found a lakeside view,

and watched God's glory unfold in a sunset that set the lake on fire

with rosy pinks and bold streaks of orange.

And in this quiet, serene moment,

I felt him tell me the same thing he's been saying over & over again

I'm right beside you.

You're mine.

Because my struggle is a strong one,
and it's called loneliness.

It reminded me of a quote I loved from church this week.

It reminded me of things I've learned from Exodus 3.

"God shows up in the wildernesses of our lives,

He's there in the insignificant thorn-bushes

We just have to turn aside and acknowledge his presence."

Right now feels very ordinary, lonely,
desolate, dry.

I feel like I'm in between, waiting.

But each day, as ordinary as it may seem,

I'm determined to keep expressing my trust in His will

by everyday following his simple leadings.

Seen.

I'm a person who gets excited about a new stage.

"Back to school" shopping is one of the best things ever.

Even though I never actually stopped going to school,

I graduated in May,

started my graduate school program in June,

finished a semester's worth of work,

and am now beginning new classes this week...

I still spent some dollars on new notebooks,

some pretty, colorful pens,

and a new journal.

I'll take every excuse I can think of to begin anew.

I want to take the chances of change to re-think my way of living.

I want to read my Bible more often, and get back on track with my reading plan.

I want to open my journal and express my thought-life on paper.

I want to pray for the things I tell people I will pray for.

But I've also been re-thinking this blog.

My goals for this blog are simple: 

I want to encourage & give hope through honesty.

I've been challenging myself recently to be a little more vulnerable.
to let myself be a little more seen.

Sometimes I err on the introverted side so much
that no one knows where I am anymore.

what I'm thinking,

what my hopes are,

why my struggles are.

That's why I blog.

Because this is my sharing place.

Key words are 

transparency, genuineness, congruency.

My hope is that those who read this blog will walk away thinking,

"I'm so glad I'm not the only one."
That in the end this blog wouldn't really be about me at all.

My biggest hope is that we will all walk away and
be real in relationship with those around us,

That sharing would not stop in cyberspace.

Because whether we know it or not, 

everyone's heart is broken somewhere,

and our struggles are oftentimes more similar than we think.