Acceptance

I've posted before about the trial I faced in graduate school

But I can look back with rosy glasses 

and feel like it was worth it.

I'm thankful for those hardest times. 

They gave me a professional title, a new job

in a new place, with my new husband.

But I have some rebuilding to do.

Sometimes I can't sleep at night,

Sometimes I'm afraid this isn't the life I was meant for.

The salaried job with the consistent hours feels...

so strict.

I don't love it. I'm not completed by this laboring.

And I lie.

I tell myself I've made it.

This is it.

The dream.

Really, I'm a spiritual shell of what I used to be.

I've forgotten that verse in John I used to cling to.

I've forgotten that he's leading me to...something good.

I forget his promise of healing and focus on all the wounds.

I wish for something else. 

Isn't work supposed to be...fun?

And this work has changed me.

I still miss that blithe cupcake making girl from 2012

before I really began to understand Trauma.

I shake my head as 

I learn Trauma has followed me 

and holds hands with Addiction.

I know these are Satan's ways of attacking people,

I know God has called me to be His helper in their lives.

Still, I emotionally back away.

Because when there's a relapse

or a sudden suicide

-they're all so sudden-

I only feel loss.

What I'm getting at is the need for acceptance.

The need for surrender.

He's asked my heart to break

while I offer hope.

He's made me strong enough to do it.

And he's given me a flawless example.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
Isaiah 43