Aftermath.

One time,

I built something. I built something like a house.

I built it with my own hands.I did it myself.

I put up walls. I fixed boundaries.

I hammered things, even if they didn't quite fit, together.

It looked beautiful from the outside.

It was colorful. It was new. It was exciting.

I put up pictures.

I created memories.

I displayed the very best of times.

I unpacked my suitcase.

I filled the closet and the drawers.

I planned to stay a while.

I thought it was strong.

I thought it would withstand anything.

I thought wrong.

The very first storm destroyed it.

At first it was a small leak, barely noticeable.

I tried to fix it using myself. But my sacrifices weren't enough.

Soon the holes were everywhere, obvious.

The very first storm destroyed it.

The foundation was weak.

There was no cement.

I had forgotten to wait for it to dry.

I built a house on sand.

The very first storm destroyed it.

Everything fell apart around me.

The nails that I had driven stung.

The pieces I tried to make fit, never could.

The aftermath was the worst. Only the truth survived.

I discovered that I had been building all alone.

Once,

I built something. I built something like a relationship.

I built it with my own heart. I did it to myself.

Road Trip to....

My family is so random.

We decided 2 weeks ago that we were going to go on vacation at the end of the month.

We decided 2 days ago that we were going to Ohio, specifically Cedar Point.

Cedar Point is home of the tallest roller coaster in the US.

It has a world breaking record of 17 roller coasters in its theme park.

I've done my research. :)

What I'm really excited about, though, is that it is located right on Lake Eerie.

I've always had a thing for the Great Lakes, ever since 6th grade geography...don't ask me why.

So, we're off on our random adventure.

Who knows what will happen between here and Ohio.

Strengths and weaknesses

Pain is part of my everyday life.

I ran 6 miles tonight. It was misting. It was grey. I had a side stitch and my calves cramped up.

I worked for 5 hours today. I was forced to step out of my box and engage with strangers. I had to convince myself that I could be an extrovert for 5 stretching hours.

I drove alone in my car for about an hour. Memories always come back when I'm by myself in the summer. For some reason I have this constant thought process, and it never stops. I'm always worrying, always wondering, always remembering.

My heart hurts. Each day is a fight against bitterness. Each day is a fight to believe there is a purpose in all of this. Each day is a fight to find the positive. I think that if each of us were honest, there is a place in all of our hearts that hurts. We have all lost something or someone. All of our dreams have been crushed at some point in time. But we also have this choice to live for something greater, to find joy in the suffering.

You have to face the clouds to find the silver lining, right?

So, here are my positives::

I ran 6 miles today. It wasn't hot. No one honked at me today or scared me enough to make me jump (like that motorcycle the other day). I burned around 600 calories. I could have had 2 starbucks and still been okay...But I didn't.

I worked 5 hours today, 5 hours that I wasn't scheduled to work. I learned a lot from my new manager, and I am becoming more confident each day. I enjoy working with people. They are way better than numbers.

I think my heart is finally healing. It gets a little easier each day. I'm getting stronger. Learning to love being free. Standing taller.

"Love never gives up,

Never fails,

Never loses faith,

Is always hopeful,

And endures through every circumstance"

I Cor. 13:7

If I Were Brave

Here are ten things I would do if I were truly brave: {idea: yourwishcake}

1. I would become a brunette.

2. I would say "no" more often.

3. I would sew and wear my own clothing.

4. I would wear this jumper that I bought in public.

5. I would run a 6:30 pace.

6. I would master water skiing.

7. I would tell him how I really feel.

8. I would start writing my book.

9. I would pray an impossibly big prayer.

10. I would intern for Beth Moore.

Just Words.

Boy meets girl. Brown eyes. Opposites attract. Don’t worry ‘bout it. Country boy. City girl. Fast, faster, fastest. Do you trust me? Last firsts. Unreciprocated. Stolen treasure. Fools gold. More than pretty. Love life. You are beautiful. Just do it. Have fun! Don’t pressure me. I’m so lucky. Open book. Fall for you. So perfect. Pretty eyes. Just call me stupid. I missed you. Once. Try harder. Happy Anniversary. Ditto. Force quit. Almost there. Forever and Always. Fearless. Scared to death. Let love in. Never good enough. Second best. Shortcuts. You could do better. Pens blood. Mewithoutyou. Sob story. Used. Cruel memories. Nonchalant. Give and take. Freedom. Regrets. Miss me. Unsaid. Clean slate.

Never give up.

I want.

Tom's newest shoe...

Friends.

I was thinking last night about my friends who are going to be in ministry this summer...and I was struck with the realization that God is using SO many of my dear friends for His will this summer.

And I got really excited.

Here's the list: (In case you want to join me in praying for them.)

Sarah-LTP--Kansas City

Hannah--her church ministry---Manhattan

Erin--Pine Cove---Texas

Grace---New Zealand

Kendrea---Chicago

Libby-Kids club---Tulsa

Rachel---Mexico

Britany--Youthfront Camp---Edgerton

John---Kanakuk---Missouri

Britton---Chicago area

Craig---India

I'm just so excited for all of them. What great friends I have, willing to sacrifice their summers.

Part of me is tempted to feel insignificant because I'm working at the mall and living at home this summer...but then I remember that God can use us wherever we are, whatever stage of life we are in. So, I'm getting excited for that too.

Yay for summer.

Endless Love

Semester.

It's so weird to think about where I was one year ago...

Or even one semester ago...

To remember the people that I loved and somehow lost...

To think of the things I gained and gave away.

To smile at my successes, and cry for the instances I failed.

To look at pictures and smile, to look at scars and remember.

{I'm different from the girl of last year. Last year's girl tried so hard, she had her life organized into comfortable little labeled boxes, she appeared to have everything all together, she never cried.

This year's girl quit trying prove herself, her world is disorganized and inconsistent, she is a mess and doesn't have a plan, she cries at least every other day.}

The only stable thing in my life is God.

Over the past three hundred some days...I've experienced God in highs, but mostly in ultimate lows. And yet, I'm the most content right now than I have been in a while. I've come to grip with the fact that I am not perfect, I'm never going to be perfect, and God doesn't expect my perfection. I found my true self and met His grace, so real, when I hit bottom.

Out of love and hatred, out of earnings and borrowings and leadings and losses; out of sickness and pain; out of wooing and worshipping; out of traveling and voting and watching and caring; out of disgrace and contempt, comes our tuition in the serene and beautiful laws.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Plea.

{Break Me Into Who You Want Me To Be}