Little Steps

"Each little step toward the center 

seemed like an impossible demand,

a demand requiring me to 

let go one more time

from wanting to be in control,

to give up one more time 

the desire to predict life,

to die one more time 

to the fear of not knowing 

where it will lead,

and to surrender one more time

to a love than knows no limits.

And still, I knew that I would never be able to live

the great commandment to love

without allowing myself to be loved

without conditions or prerequisites"

-Henri Nouwen

I'm realizing what a journey life is.

A journey that consists of little steps.

This thing called faith is sometimes so simple.

It's getting up each day with hope in my heart,

Letting myself sing as loud as I can,

even when I'm fighting tears & doubts to believe the words.

It's the fidgety and awkward way in which I tell Him

that I am desperately afraid,

hurting,

confused.

Letting Him see inside to my brokenness.

It's choosing to take little steps forwards,

eyes fixed on Him,

to pledge my heart and life to Him all over again, everyday.

Letting Him be my bridegroom, 

the lover of my soul.

The Feel of Change

I read once that it's the changes in life 

that create a good story.

& that the longer we hold out on change,

the longer we stay in the same chapter of our lives.

I really did like the chapter I was in.

The one where I had found comfort, familiarity...

This next chapter scares me.

With its unknown & letting go.

Yet yesterday started a chain of upcoming progression of change.

My best friend & roommate got married

to a man who completely adores her.

Their love was obvious, genuine, & selfless.

I caught the bouquet.

Everything was beautiful & elegant.

especially her.

I keep telling myself to embrace these changes.

That the next chapter holds so much promise.

That there are beautiful things in store for us all,

despite the hurt of life stings.

I keep telling myself to stop worrying... 

that I won't lose the ones I hold dear.

I believe that we are all going through changes,

& I hope we can support each other in them.

Brand New Day.

Last night my roommate & I sat on the roof together,

we marveled at the bright blinking stars,

and we gaped at the swirling bats.

We reminisced about our biggest regrets during college,

and the moments that changed our lives forever.

I'll never forget that hour.

She is getting married 3 days from today.

And her wedding is going to be a beautiful testament 

to the faithfulness of God.

I'm so very blessed to stand beside her.

As I started my 6 AM run this morning,

I found the words to "Great is Thy Faithfulness"

swimming in my head.

As I watched the sun rise, 

and the clouds morph,

I was amazed all over again 

and struck by the truth that,

"Morning by morning new mercies I see

...

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow."

I've been finding comfort in simple, truthful words:

You will be okay.

There's nothing wrong with you.

It will happen.

He is faithful.

He will not leave you.

You are never alone.

Not So Glamourous.

We are all different,

but we are all coping.

I lay awake last night, 

tears coursing down to my pillow,

thinking of all the things I will have to say good-bye to soon.

Of all the people I won't get a proper ending with.

She couldn't sleep either,

but it was because of her upcoming excitement,

getting married, 

decorating a new home, 

holding his hand forever.

We all have our different attachments.

I desperately want mine to be to the One who will never fail me,

Whose love will never run out.

Who will always be a friend.

"What whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and counted them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him." 

(Philippians 3:7-9)

Yes, I feel like I'm losing everything.

But at the same time I am following Christ, 

I'm pursuing what he has called me to do.

I'm gaining everything, 

it's just not as glamourous as I thought it would be.

It's a lot more like death.

"The righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead...I press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own."
 (Philippians 3:10-12)

I am His & He is mine.

Random

One of my favorite things to do

on days that are 

stressful,

trying,

full,

And all I want is a few introverted minutes,

is to spend the bucks .... and go through the car wash.

I love choosing a song,

turning it up as loud as I can,

and sitting back while my car is 

cleaned and scrubbed 

until I can't see out the windows anymore.

I know, that's really weird.

But you would be surprised at the acoustics in a car wash.

At the way the world really can fade away in those few minutes.
At the way taking your hands of the steering wheel can be so symbolic.

I've had some of my best worshipping in the car wash.

So, if you're like me, 

and life is really crazy,or about to be crazy,

give your heart a break, 

close the door,

turn off the lights (if you want),

and listen to whatever song 

you have been playing on repeat lately.

Today, I liked this one

Or, if you're adventurous,
drive to the nearest car wash.

Tie it in a Bow

I'd like life to be neat & tidy

But it never will be.

Every day I'll wake up with messy hair,

a ruffled bed 

 and lost socks.

Every night I'll lay awake with

broken promises,

nagging"what ifs"

and a desire for do-overs.

But life lived is messy.

Mistakes don't always mean failure,

and it's the process of learning that makes us better.

Give yourself a break.

Like Torture

Surrendering, like opening a can of worms.

One minute I think God is asking me to surrender my script for the future,

And then he opens my eyes to see, he wants my present & my past.

I can hear God asking me to give up,

And I’m realizing more and more that I can’t.

I can’t because I am afraid.

I’ve learned to look for the “deeper issue”

I’ve been taught to read between the lines.

And what I’m hearing myself say is…

It's hard for me to believe that God is good.

It sounds ridiculous,

It sounds like the words of a skeptic.

And maybe I am.

All I know is that the opposite of surrender

Feels a little bit like torture.

Here I am, holding bits of broken glass,

Feeling old wounds so deeply,

My skin splintered by the tight clasping,

Yet I refuse to let go, even at the sight of blood.

I read Romans 1. I hear God asking me to live a “sacrificial life”

And yet I still want what I want.

But I’m not getting what I want.

I need to want what God wants.

And I’m probably going to continue in circles,

I’ll wake up tomorrow and say the empty words

That I want so desperately to be true,

I surrender today.

I surrender tomorrow.

I surrender yesterday.

Please take me in a direction.

A Strong Bond.

A fridge front full of Save-the-Dates.

A bulletin board crammed with flowered invitations.

It is the spring of my Senior year of college, and although I’ve joked about “Ring By Spring,” in the past, it doesn’t seem as funny now that it’s my best friends wearing the bling.

Three RSVP cards sit on my desk.

The spaces were easy enough to fill.

My name, a check mark expressing my desire to attend,

And a single digit: the number one.

Me. It’s just me.

I’ve dated four guys during college. 

That’s one per year. 

And yet here I am, stuffing four bridesmaids dresses into the back of my closet, preparing to throw the rice and blow the bubbles on the dearest relationships I’ve made during college.

No, I’m not leaving college with a tall, dark, and handsome mate.

But I am leaving college with a circle of the dearest friends.

Friends who have prayed with me, sat on my bed and cried with me, listened to my fears, taped bible verses to my bathroom mirror, slipped notes full of healing words under my bedroom door..

They understand me more than anyone else.

And yet there’s something terrifying about this for me.

I don’t have a wedding ring.

There are no guarantees.

We won’t be working together, have a class together, see each other at church, or even be living in the same city three weeks from now. 

There is no promise that when I leave college I will keep these dear friends. 

There is no promise that these dear friends will keep me.

“It’s scary to realize that the only thing holding our friends to us isn’t our performance, or our lovability, or their guilt, or their obligation. The only thing that will keep them calling, spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that’s the one thing we can’t control” –Cloud & Townsend from their book Boundaries

It feels a little like standing on thin ice, or walking somewhere blindfolded. Trusting love is not something that is easy for me to do. I would much rather earn love, or somehow deserve love.

But that’s not how it works.

I need grace too much for that.

“At any moment any person can walk away from a friendship. However, as we enter more and more into an attachment based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection. –Cloud & Townsend”

Let me be your eyes.

Sometimes I look at others and think this, 

Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves.

I think self-hatred,

self-doubt, 

& self-mutilation

are some of the saddest sins.

And yet we succumb to them everyday.

It's so easy to see the beauty in others,

why can't we see it in ourselves.

If you can't see the beauty in yourself,
ask someone else what gifts and talents they think you have.
And then live out of them.

"In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your give is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it giving, give generously..." (Romans 12: 6+)

Endless.

Easter.

This is the first year I've participated in Lent.

Which made me look forward to today
with anticipation.

And left me thinking on these words all day long,

"Love bears all things,

believes all things,

hopes all things,

endures all things,

Love never ends."

-I Cor. 13: 7,8

My God never gives up.

I think this song's words are right on

for a day like today.

Forgiveness.

Yesterday is gone.

Now I'm full.

I'm whole.

I hope you felt loved today.

(Also, I'm pretty excited about my first time being a Guest Blogger!

Go here to check it out).

Secure.

Often

I forget how strong my God is.

"Yet God my King is from of old,

working salvation in the midst of the earth.

You divided the sea by your might;

you broke the heads of the sea monsters on the waters.

You crushed the heads of Leviathan;

you gave him as food for the creatures

of the wilderness.

You split open springs and brooks;

you dried up ever-flowing streams.

Yours is the day; yours also the night.

you have established the heavenly lights

and the sun.

You have fixed all the boundaries of the earth;

you have made summer and winter"

Ps. 75:12-15

He has brought us this far.

Why should I be afraid?

Why is my faith so weak?

I am His;

He is God.

He is with me;

I cannot be moved.

Be still, my soul.

Apparent Failure

I don't know about you,

but I have a script for my life.

I wrote it. 

I've toiled for it.

I can see it in my mind's eye.

And God has been challenging it.

When I started college,

I defined a successful college career as

good grades,

a developed skill set,

an attractive mate,

and an up & coming career to take me somewhere beautiful.

Now, as I'm finishing college,

I feel like an apparent failure.

I'm single,

and I'm going home to start school again.

It seems like I've come full circle.

It feels like a waste of time.

But this is my own view of it all.

My own high standards I place on myself.

In God's reality, 

I'm becoming His disciple.

I'm following what I know is the Lord's will for my life.

And He isn't going to dissappoint.

"I need to give up my understanding of how I'd like my future to fall into place for a much better and sweet plan that God reveals."--Bill Hull

I want to give up my script.

I want to do it wholeheartedly.

I want this to be my prayer.

"Lord, I'm your servant. I'll follow you even if it's into apparent failure, because I have no right to success as I define it, or as the church defines it, or as my culture defines it. I'm only interested in pleasing you and being successful as you define it."--Bill Hull (from "The Complete Book of Discipleship")