Like Torture

Surrendering, like opening a can of worms.

One minute I think God is asking me to surrender my script for the future,

And then he opens my eyes to see, he wants my present & my past.

I can hear God asking me to give up,

And I’m realizing more and more that I can’t.

I can’t because I am afraid.

I’ve learned to look for the “deeper issue”

I’ve been taught to read between the lines.

And what I’m hearing myself say is…

It's hard for me to believe that God is good.

It sounds ridiculous,

It sounds like the words of a skeptic.

And maybe I am.

All I know is that the opposite of surrender

Feels a little bit like torture.

Here I am, holding bits of broken glass,

Feeling old wounds so deeply,

My skin splintered by the tight clasping,

Yet I refuse to let go, even at the sight of blood.

I read Romans 1. I hear God asking me to live a “sacrificial life”

And yet I still want what I want.

But I’m not getting what I want.

I need to want what God wants.

And I’m probably going to continue in circles,

I’ll wake up tomorrow and say the empty words

That I want so desperately to be true,

I surrender today.

I surrender tomorrow.

I surrender yesterday.

Please take me in a direction.