Hoping.

Recently I've been having a struggle to find hope.

It's really hard for me not to know what's coming next.

I'm a person who dwells easier in the future than the present.

And I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark.

It took me a while to turn to the one who is Hope.

I tossed around for a couple of weeks before I started opening my Bible again.

And I was given these words:

"You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

Then my enemies will turn back

in the day when I call.

This I know, that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

in the Lord, whose word I praise,

in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

...

That I may walk before God

in the light of life."

Psalm 56:8+

God is for me,

and he saves my tears...

I find hope in that.

Hurt for the Healing.

Sometimes I get really

bogged down & captured

under the weight of everything that has

gone wrong.

Our world, our relationships, our cities...they aren't supposed to be like this.

I sit in class and learn about the terrible conditions

children around the world are forced to deal with daily.

Child Soldiers

Parental abuse

Sex Trafficking.

"The younger, the better."

I sit in my room and research foster care and family crisis.

Big words that just mean broken lives.

I memorize statistics and know how many children live in a shelter.

Big numbers that equal a lot of need.

And it's so easy to be emotional--sad or angry.

But it's not enough.

It's when I get a text from my boyfriend that says,

"God is doing big things here.

We just helped feed 90 kids when a snow day happens"

that I remember all the ministries and missions

who are hoping to heal hurt.

And it just so happens that someone I care about is there,

Working paid and unpaid hours in order to do something.

Thank you.

Knowing makes it easier that you're not here.

I still know that this is not how its supposed to be,

but I also need to remember that there's hope now,

and there's hope in the future.

When there will be no more tears.

Valuable.

Control.

I've been controlled, and I like being in control.

But when we hold on so tightly to someone

that we can't let them go...

to be who they are,

to pursue what they love,

to do what they feel called to,

we steal their freedom

and we forget about grace.

Acceptance.

I want to accept others just as they are.

Letting go.

I want to release others to God.

I want to be supportive of other's decisions.

I want to extend real grace to others.

"Acceptance means you are valuable just as you are. It allows you to be the real you. You aren't forced into someone else's idea of who you really are. It means your ideas are taken seriously since they reflect you. You can talk about how you feel inside and why you feel that way--and someone really cares. You feel safe."--William Barclay.

Safety.

Freedom.

Love.

Seeking to please only God.

Leaving behind the people pleaser.

Accepting others.

Learning is a journey.

Sing.

But I will sing of your strength;

I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning

For you have been to me a fortress

and a refuge in the day of distress.

O my Strength, I will sing praises to you,

for you, O God, are my fortress,

the God who shows me steadfast love.

Ps. 59:16,17

Dazzling

I keep asking the Lord to show me how He sees me.

And the newest word is dazzling.

I went to a worship service last night,

and the picture that spoke to my heart was

"When we arrive at eternity's shore,

when death is just a memory

and tears are no more,

We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring,

Your bride will come together and we'll sing,

You're beautiful."

He's dazzling,

and I'm a reflection of His brilliance.

4 months ago

from a journal on 6.22.11::

"God, I feel unloved, unworthy, and insecure. I am overwhelmed with my own frailties.

Please, help me realize my worth is in you.

Help me to see myself as one dearly loved, precious, and honored in your sight.

I will take heart. I will ask for courage. Because you are the one my strength comes from."

It's good to look back. It's good to be here.

Arise, shine.

Arise, shine, for your light has come,

and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.

...

Then you shall see and be radiant;

your heart shall thrill and exult,

your heart shall tremble and grow wide.

...

but the Lord will be your everlasting light,

and your God will be your beauty.

Isaiah 60: 1, 6, 19

He has made us beautiful.

What if we lived like it,

stepped out of the darkness of shame,

lived in the light,

like the redeemed people we are,

and let Him display his beauty through us.

Regardless

"That which God said to the rose, and caused it to laugh in full-blown beauty, He said to my heart, and made it a hundred times more beautiful."--Rumi

Today I sat and asked the Lord to give me words.

Words that describe the way he sees me.

&

he calls me:

Beloved.

Free.

Without Blemish.

Full of Grace.

My love will never grow cold.

Regardless.

&

he gave me a role:

Go.

Love.

Serve.

Care.

Listen.

You are my ambassador.

I have given you the ministry of reconciliation.

Don't receive my grace in vain.

(2 Corinthians 5&6)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us."---2 Corinthians 5:17-21

Living.

I'm going through a period of questioning.

I've been questioning my motives for service and love,

my understanding of grace,

and even some of the Christian words I have grown up hearing.

I know a lot of information.

I'm good at talking like a Christian,

I "lift up" friends in prayer,

and I wish to "glorify" the Lord with my life.

I'm tired of living like this.

So like everyone around me.

I fit in far too well.

There has to be more than this.

Today God showed me a little more clearly

what it looks like to "glorify" Him.

God is glorified when we live in such a way

that he may display His beauty.

That makes so much more sense to me.

I want my actions

and motives

and thoughts

to be pure

so that He can display his beauty through them.

"..and you shall know that I, the Lord, am your Savior and your Redeemer, the Mighty one of Jacob."

Isaiah 60:16

At the moment.

I am...

...grappling with the idea of grace (still).

...taking steps towards balance.

...loving having a kitchen to play in.

...a little done with baking pumpkin things and ready for peppermint Christmas things. (Guess that's what I get for starting on pumpkin in September).

...desperate for my ankle to heal so I can start running again.

...struggling with guilt from the pressure I put on myself. It's like I have some type of mental standard that I can never quite reach. I feel it after every conversation spoken, every accomplishment finished, every devotion and quiet time done. I worry that I'm letting people down, that I don't do enough, that I do too much. It's called perfectionism and it's a daily struggle.

...trying to see myself the way He sees me. (Maybe this will help the above ridiculousness).

...looking at grad schools and jobs in KC and dreaming about what God has in store.

...thankful for dependable and reciprocating friends.

...still slightly giddy over a new relationship with a boy who challenges me to find joy in each day.

...praying this: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope"...for me, for you.

(Romans 15:13).

Enamored.

I've been asking God to show me who I am

past comparisons,

or self-imposed standards

expectations,

or attempts to please others.

I want to see myself the way God sees me.

And the word that comes to mind is enamored.

We have a God who is enamored with us.

Who gives us beauty for ashes

blessing

praise

honor

everlasting joy

a new name.

. . .

Your new name will be "The City of God's Delight"

and "The Bride of God,

for the Lord delights in you

and will claim you as his bride.

Isaiah 62:4

Hephzibah, "my delight is in her"

I am loved.

Grasping Grace.

I haven't been living like I have been given grace.

I'm a perfectionist,

a people pleaser;

I'm determined,

a goal seeker.

And I've been running in circles

trying to earn God's love.

It's not about salvation for me;

It's about being lovable.

But this past week I've been shown some powerful truths.

"I have never stopped loving her"

God loves us even when we are unlovable.

Nothing I can do will impress God,

Jesus did that through His scars.

What I do for God isn't important,

it's about what He has done for me.

Grace is free, I can't buy it.

I have peace with God.

I still don't get it.

I feel a little lost when I read Romans.

But like my spiritual mentor said to me,

"If you grasp this, it's going to change your life."

"Grace received but unexpressed is dead grace. To spend one's time debating how grace is received or how much commitment is necessary for salvation, without getting into what is means to live by grace and enjoy the magnificent freedom it provides, quickly leads to a counterproductive argument. . .My plea is that we claim it and allow it to set us free. When we do, grace will become what it was meant to be--really amazing. When that happens, our whole countenance changes."--Charles Swindoll, The Grace Awakening

Conquest.

I feel pursued.

The Lord has completely been showing me His love.

Lately.

This verse feels true:

Cheer up, Zion!

Don't be afraid!

For the Lord you God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Zephaniah 3:16-17

I mean, that's what

every sunrise

sunset,

budding lily,

and answered prayer

is:

God's way of wooing us to himself.

"My whole hearts has not one single grain,

this moment,

of thirst after approbation.

I feel alone with God;

He fills the void;

I have not one wish,

one will,

one desire,

but in Him;

He hath set my feet in a large room.

I have wondered

and stood amazed that God should

make a conquest of all within me by love."

--Lady Huntington

He is delighting and rejoicing and pursuing you,

look for it.

For Us

A prayer I've been praying:

Give us pure hearts.

Teach us, compel us, to hunger

and thirst for righteousness.

God, we don't want hearts of stone.

We want hearts that are tender.

We want hearts that break

when your heart breaks;

We want hearts that cry

when your heart cries.

Hearts that are torn by injustice,

that cry out for peace.

I want to be more like you;

start with my heart.

Matthew 5:8-10

God blesses those who are merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure,

for they will see God.

God blesses those who work for peace,

for they will be called children of God.

Trying Hard.

Let love be genuine.

Abhor what is evil;

hold fast to what is good.

Love one another with brotherly affection.

Outdo one another in showing honor.

Do not be slothful in zeal,

be fervent in spirit,

serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope,

be patient in tribulation,

be constant in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the saints

and seek to show hospitality.

Romans 12:9-12

This verse means a lot to me right now.

I feel like I need to be changed.

I see so much wrong with my heart, soul, and mind.

Each day is a fight to focus;

to continue to hope,

to continue to love,

to find contentment.

And I try to put up this strong front,

I don't allow myself to be hurt.

But that is just so exhausting.

It is so much better to surrender.

I just can't quite figure out how to get to that place,

and stay there.

Pictured Perfectly.

I used to picture my perfect job:

working at home,

sitting at a finely decorated desk,

with a large screen computer,

staring out my window at a picturesque setting,

writing.

Comfortable,

safe,

using my talents.

But God has been challenging that lately.

With so many needs,

injustice,

persecution.

So many helpless,

so many lost.

Maybe He's calling me to the streets

instead of a life of shelter;

to a life of active advance,

instead of to a life of quiet retreat;

to a life of community,

instead of solitude.

to a life that makes so very little of me & my talents

in order to make much of Him & His glory.

Matthew 28:19 haunts me.

"Go and make disciples of all the nations,

baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you."

Favorite Fourth

I was recently asked what my favorite 4th of July memory was...

It might have been the time my mom, best friend, and I

took a road trip to Oklahoma to "spy" on a National American Miss Pageant

and then watched fireworks out the van skylight that night.

Or maybe it was the year I spent the 4th of July in Chicago,

marching in the International Lions Band with my marching french horn,

and then watching fireworks on the riverfront that night.

This year I'm spending the 4th in St. Louis with one of my best friends,

and since rain ruined our plans for watching fireworks under the arch,

our plan B was sitting, talking, and sharing music on a mattress in her room.

And it has been one of my favorite fourths.

I'm realizing that time is precious,

I'm about to enter my last year of college,

Many of my friends are getting engaged,

and everything is about to change...

So I'm not wishing it away.

What's your favorite fourth?

LateBloomer.

We just finished a 3-week series called:"Man Up" at the church I'm attending this summer

Go (here) to listen to the sermons.

There was something deeply touching about listening

to my pastor stand up and passionately charge the men to

be alert, firm, courageous, mighty,

and to love.

When he talked about a godly man

who had strength of character

who fought for his marriage and family,

who turned into the battles of life instead of away,

I felt like I was seeing a clear picture of

the type of man I want in my life,

someday.

It was also hard though, because at first

I wondered how I was supposed to apply these words to myself,

as a woman of God.

And today God showed me what he wants from me,

now:

He wants men of courage and valor,

but He was me to be a woman of strength as well.

Even though I can be incredibly emotional,

and I tend to want to control situations,

he wants me to have strength in patience right now.

He's asking me to have emotional patience.

To take heart

to be strong,

and to wait on Him.

(Psalm 27: 13-14)

And it's so much harder than it sounds.

Patience to wait does not come from suffering long for what we lack but from sitting long in what we have.

-Beth Moore

Currently

In case you are confused by my random quotes and Bible verses,

Let me get you caught up on

who I am and

where I am

Currently...

{Because context is everything}

I am...

...living in my hometown,

but not at my home.

...recovering from a sickness I retrieved in Panama.

...spending every morning with the same 10 people,

learning how to live a disciplined and discipled life.

...reading "Radical" by David Platt,

and actually wrestling with the words

instead of just accepting them.

...realizing that in God's strength I can do anything,

even teach 3rd and 4th grade girls Sunday School.

...becoming talented in the art of Ultimate 4-Square.

....(also) reading "Spiritual Parenting" by Michelle Anthony

because I believe in family.

...seeing & experiencing what Godly men look like.

...discovering that I can only limit myself,

because God's plans are always better than mine.

...writing a book about love,

because we are all called to actually love,

not just pretend to love (Romans 12:9).

Heard.

What I wanted to blog about tonight,

is something I have been struggling with,

something that I can't quite make sense of,

something that I've never been good at,

something I've probably been doing wrong my whole life.

Prayer.

The thing is, I asked God to teach me how to pray.

And the next thing I know

I notice around 20 hurting people

with requests and pleas for healing

and miracles,

and comfort,

and help.

And I tell them I will pray.

so I sit down

or kneel down

or pick up a pen

and close my eyes

but I don't know what to say.

I want to pray boldly,

I want to pray unceasingly,

but I'm afraid I'm bad at it.

The amazing thing is, though,

I know He hears me anyways.