Back.

It has been so long since I wrote anything.

I wish to excuse my absence to grad school, business, the holiday rush.

But in reality, it's because I lost myself.

I couldn't find congruency and genuineness.

So I didn't write.

Losing yourself happens sneakily,

behind your back.

And you're always losing yourself to something,

someone.

But the tradeoff only left me empty,

and ultimately alone.

Because when we give up who we are,

we lose nearly everything.

I'm back
by circumstance, not by choice,

(which is an amazing thing I call grace).

Who knows how long I would have exhausted myself

running on a path I never belonged,

faking my way.

No, I was just a shiny Christian girl

who gave everything she had to people, friends, and job.

I was a rule-follower and I wanted people around me to be happy.

How is that a dangerous equation?

Oh, believe me.

It can be.

But the good thing about losing yourself
is that the process allows you to pick
which pieces you want back,
and which ones need to be lost forever.

I want to be a genuine follower of Christ,
a girl who gives up everything for the sake of the Gospel.
I want to love others in a way that feeds freedom, not compromise.
And I want to accept Grace in a way that fosters self-acceptance.

It's my process. I hope it helps yours.

Fearful.

I get very tired of running in circles.

But here I am again, trying to let go of my fear

so I can hold on to love.

We are learning "Deep Meaning" in counseling this week,

and what I'm finding is that a lot of our setbacks 

come from this foundation of fear.

Fear of failure.

Fear of loss.

Fear of regret.

Fear of condemnation.

And gosh, those are so huge for me.

I only want to give myself to the things, the people

I know won't let me down.

The ones who won't hurt me.

But honestly, living in that fear has only cost me.

Isolating, Withdrawing, Denying,

my fears have only kept me from living openly.

I sometimes pursue perfection, 

but that is such a cold box to live within. 

And to try to control my own safety is to 

stop trusting in the God who is capable of picking me back up. 

I want to live out of the only true safety,

I want to be fortified with the love of God in my soul,

because then I can take risks and give my love, my heart, myself, to others.

Each of us pays a heavy price for our fear of falling flat on our faces. It assures the progressive narrowing of our personalities and prevents exploration and experimentation. As we get older, we do only the things we do well. There is no growth in Christ Jesus without some difficulty and fumbling. If we are going to keep on growing, we must keep on risking failure throughout our lives . . . -- B. Manning

Speak

There are so many words.

The ones I want to say,

the ones I feel deeply within,

the ones I want to share.

And I think them, feel them.

Strongly.

But I am afraid of the out loud,

of the offering,

of the giving away,

of the secrets spoken.

They are safer within.

A long time ago I thought God was asking me to speak,

to write and touch young ears with words.

Like Moses, Jeremiah,

I doubted my own words.

Speaking, like healing and forward movement,

takes a lot of courage.

"Do not say, 'I am only a youth;
for all to whom I send you,
you shall go,
And whatever I command you,
you shall speak.
Do not be afraid of them.
For I am with you to deliver you,
declares the Lord."
Jeremiah 1:7,8

I too am a failure. 

I too have fled my calling.

I too don't believe in my own capacity to speak anymore.

I too need to return to faithfulness.

Secure

I've never been very good at hiding,

but I sure try to anyways.

I'm learning so many things about myself as I 

"open the door to my own therapy"

in my counseling program

Like my desperate need for approval,

and my surprisingly terrible communication skills.

Looking forward is scary, intimidating,

and it's starting to look pretty lonely.

I've spent much of my life beside someone,

searching for approval in opposite sex relationships.

Most of them have ended,

and that's a struggle for me.

Especially when I get caught up in comparison 

and the silly game of asking why God is good to everyone except me.

But then I catch a glimpse of the Kingdom,

of God's prevailing love for me,

and the opportunity to be satisfied in Him.

I read this article and was blown away by these words:

"But I want to be married. I pray to that end every day. I may meet someone and walk down the aisle in the next couple of years because God is so good to me. I may never have another date and die an old maid at 93 because God is so good to me. Not my will but his be done." -Paige Benton Brown

What if I could speak such words with conviction.

What if it became okay for me to stop searching,

to see the value and opportunity in where I am.

What if I let myself be free to be God's and no one else's.

What if I remembered that he offers

Beauty for Ashes

Joy for Mourning

Belonging for Loneliness

Security for Desperation

(Isaiah 61)

Constant.

Growth is a constant.

Who will I be in 2 years from now.

I've been learning so much in school, in life.

I'm learning to push fears aside.

To risk here and there.

Because some of the most thrilling moments

lay right outside the walls of our built boxes.

I've let fear steal from me in the past.

I've let it give me cold hands, heart, and feet.

But when it comes down to it, 

love is the only right way.

& I think loving someone, loving them truly,

is one of the bravest things a person can do.

So I will love people through customer service,

through doing my best to make a perfect espresso drink.

I will love people by getting my own counseling,

through engaging in learning about lifespan and theory.

I will love them by taking prayer requests,

through praying for broken arms, grandmas, and fourth grade.

I will even love through listening to complaints,

through encouraging words and a push in the right direction.

I will love by giving an apology.

But in the end, I'll be reminded,

I can't earn your love.

It's something that can only be given.

I'll say it again.

Love is the flip side  of fear.

Consider

I have been praying that God would awe me with His love.

I asked Him for an experiential awareness of His love for me.

And as I look at the past few weeks, love is all I see.

It's been a surrounding & a stripping.

God has shown me this before, 

but I needed a reminder.

He is in the easy, simple things.

Silence,

a bike ride,

an encounter,

early morning stars,

someone else's writing that speaks to my core.

And all I can really do is accept it,

stop trying to earn it,

and be loved.

....

This is a considering,

a scratching the surface of a Great Love,

an attempt to pay attention.

"Whoever is wise, let him attend to these things,

let them consider the steadfast love of the Lord."

Psalm 107: 43

Isaiah 43, Isaiah 54, Psalm 107, Psalm 146,

these are good places to begin considering.

...

Lead me towards a deeper understanding of Your love,

and a deep belief that You are Enough.

Just Fine.

I decided to link up to Emily Freeman's blogpost today for her new release of her book, Graceful. It's a book for young women about the roles of grace and rest (and it inspires me to keep working on my own writing because I would love to write something similar someday). 

As part of the link up I decided to join a bunch of other bloggers and write a letter to myself. It ended up feeling a little therapeutic: looking through old pictures, remembering, and forgiving.

To my 18 year old Self.

You think everyone is looking at you, all the time. You think they pay attention to which color collared shirt you choose to wear with your dress-code khakis. Here's a hint: They're not. Later you'll get to counseling school and learn that there's a term to go with your heightened self-counsciousness--egocentric--and you'll struggle with it into your 20s. Start letting it go now. 

Those five girls you have called your friends, the ones you take prom pictures with and spend long summer weekends at the lake with, quit being afraid of abandonment & love them well. They are going to to stand by your side no matter what. You're going to stand by their sides in their beautiful summer weddings. 

The relationship you have the summer after graduating high school, enjoy it. Relax. You will have the time of your life riding four wheelers, going to baseball games, and eating at fancy places. He will teach you what true pursuit looks like. But for heaven's sake, finish your meal and offer to help pay once in a while.

That college you have visited three times, just to be sure, go ahead and give in. I know you're afraid because your ex-boyfriend goes to school 35 minutes away, and heaven forbid, it might look like you're following him. It's okay. He will take you to Walmart when you're sick your freshman year, but then he will find a lovely native Arkansan and fall in love again, just like your prayed.
Remember, it's not always about you.

You will choose to decorate your freshman dorm with hot pink, black, and zebra print. Please, think again. It will make your already-small dorm room feel small and depressive. It will all end up in your attic the next year when you choose to go for something different. Zebra print isn't really you, anyways. (I can say the same thing about the cartilage piercing you get later, but that is another story.)

And one last thing: a warning. Your first semester of your freshman year is going to change you forever. You are going to make some mistakes and ruin a few relationships. You are not going to make the wisest choices. You're going to fall in love for the first time. You are going to let him define you. I'm not going to tell you to do anything different, though, because it will make you into a better and stronger person. It's really okay that you're not perfect. You will become less judgmental and more forgiving. You will find yourself again. You'll find that you have been redeemed. And for the first time you will feel the freedom that is hand in hand with Grace.


I can tell you that at 22 you have redefined success. You are single, living at home, still in (grad)school, but you are successful. You finished strong. You graduated with dear experiences and dearer friends. You retitled your regrets and learned from them. You are going to be a counselor, and you trust God with the rest of the unknowns. You learned to embrace the process and find beauty in the struggle. You're going to be just fine.

Dare.

I play it pretty safe, most of the time.

Yet, I'm realizing that 

It's the risks that keep us living.

Risking is refusing to live in fear,

 because fear keeps us from doing what we love.

And love is the flip side of fear.

I've been trying to do more things that scare me lately,

getting up in front of a crowd,

pursuing new relationships,

turning in an application,

thinking less, acting more,

saying I'm sorry,

sharing myself,

writing again.

I think if we find the places of fear,

we can find the places of most opportunity for growth.

....

I'm afraid of being a writer,

it's what I've wanted to be since I was a girl telling stories,

it's what I've always been.

But I'm completely afraid of it,

because I don't want to fail at the one thing I feel to be me.

This is me working up the courage to submit.

What's that thing for you?

....

Bold love makes a difference. Not a hypothetical, poster-on-the-wall kind of difference but a real difference in the real lives of real people. You can’t save anyone, but you can be the kind of person who acts out of love, not out of fear.

(from this wonderful blog)

Familiar.

As I struggle with 

being known,

taking risks,

facing the unknown,

and making choices,

I rest in these verses:

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down.

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue,

you know it completely Lord"

Psalm 139: 1-4

And still He loves me.

Not my words.

Perfection

I like to blog about what I'm learning,

but lately I haven't really liked what God has been teaching me.

He's been revealing to me how selfish I can be.

How egocentric (counseling word) I am.

How I spend way too much energy trying to appear a certain way.

How much deeper I will have to go before I can be a good counselor.

Last year I went through some Spiritual Counseling,

and there were a few times where I was surprised

by unexpected, but strong, emotions that came up during our hour together.

She would stop,

"What just happened there, when I mentioned that?"

But by then I had already forced it all back down,

and all I was left with was confusion.

I wanted to know why talking about "living life fully & freely"
brought up fear, sadness, worry,

but I couldn't.

Sometimes she would simply reflect to me,

"You are not very kind to yourself."

Or,

"Do I need to leave so you can have a cry?"

I don't want to cry in front of people.

I don't want to appear sad, or confused, or lost.

I want to come across happy, peaceful, perfectly content.

Sometimes I go into a one-on-one encounter with nervousness,

and I think the nervousness says, "You're afraid they will see you."

Brennan Manning says this, about people like me, "[They have] a compulsive desire to present a perfect image to the public so that everybody will admire us and nobody will know us."

Nobody will know us,

not even us.

What if the first step to recovering our identity is to accept our imperfections.

What if we gave ourselves grace to

Uncross our arms, take off our masks,

see ourselves

and let His love cover our shame, sin, doubt, and hopelessness.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

--Romans 8:38, 39

So Simple.

Sometimes I get afraid that I am going to go through life without living.

The fear usually brings about trying something new,

forcing myself to go someplace alone,

or asking a stranger a question about themselves.

But what if I'm going about living the wrong way.

Instead of self-consciously mapping out my next move,

what if I instead tried something more simple,

like being present.

Being present in this ordinary time 

where I am still somewhat dependent on my parents,

where I try to get to know my best friends, now married, in a new way.

where I encounter hurried, selfish, and yet still giving humanity in others at work,

where I walk the edge of this road of loneliness without giving into self-reliance.

Instead of remembering and wishing for past college days,

or hoping and pining for future, supposedly more put together, adult days.

In the counseling sphere, we call this "Mindfulness," or "Active Listening"

Focusing on the person before us,

without judgement or selfishness,

to be compassionate and focused on them.

Listening without bringing ourselves into the picture.

"The effort to free ourselves from concerns and the willingness to put aside fuzzy distractions involves a kind of death in order to take up the cross of the present moment."-Brennan Manning

If I try really hard, I can be here.

I can hear the trusty sound of traffic,

and see the soft glow of sunlight from the overhead skylight.

And it is in this moment, the now,

that I truly feel God's presence,

apart from my worries and distractions and plans.

He is here--like always--actively listening & taking part in me.

And that makes me feel alive.

No Disadvantage

I have a confession to make:

This past weekend I went to a single's conference.

No, it was not put on by E-Harmony,

or its Christian counterpart Christian Mingle.
(Not that there is anything wrong with them! I'm just not ready to go there.)

It was hosted by a church whose theology I trust.

It still felt weird to sit in a pew amidst a LOT of other single people.

It was almost like some sort of confession,

& unmasked a lot of lies I didn't even know were there.

Yet it was freeing to realize there are lots of kinds of singleness.

The divorced kind,

the just out of college kind,

the widowed kind,

the 38 and never been married kind.

I sat there in my row of lovely single friends,

& listened to the pastor plainly and openly talk about singleness

on a background of the Word.

"The Kingdom is a far great Reality than marriage."

"Singleness is just as much a way to participate in the Kingdom as marriage."

"Singleness is a time to invest in the Kingdom of God and to lay up treasure in the Kingdom."

"There are no disadvantages to being single."

"You contribute to the Kingdom by making disciples, not only by bearing children."

It was a lot of truth that went against some things I hear in culture today.

And it was just enough to calm my heart,

focus my hope on things eternal,

and direct my love towards the others in my life.

Seek ye first the kingdom....right?

Mid-Adventure

People often talk about "pursuing their dreams"

I have quotes about dreams all over my room.

One that a dear friend gave me.

They say dreams are possible,

and inside of us.

I say dreams are God-given,

and part of who we are made to be,

part of a journey towards the true us.

And even as I'm on this road towards pursuing one dream of many,

to become a counselor,

a helper,

a confidante,

a better person.

It's hard.

I don't always love this place I'm in.

I don't always enjoy spending 10 hours each week a classroom 

after working my heart out in customer service all day long.

But I have to tell myself that this is the part where I grow,

where I become stronger,

where I figure out who I am.

The part I'll look back and be thankful for.

It's a beautiful journey:

if I could just appreciate the now

instead of being impatient for the later.

I like this quote from Jeff Goins,

I hope wherever you are, whatever the dream, you're okay with it taking a while. That you're patient and persevering, willing to let it take time so you can savor the moment when it does arrive. 

I don't know how long your road is, but I hope you'll remember to enjoy every step of the way. And know that if you are faithful to the work, you'll see results. They won't look exactly like you'd expect, but that's what makes the whole process beautiful."

So close.

I love the way God draws us to himself.

I've recently been spending quite a bit of time alone. 

I've been doing things on my own.

Going places by myself.

The other day as I was driving around town

I felt this sudden draw to stop at a nearby park

and spend intentional time with God.

So I followed this longing in my heart,

found a lakeside view,

and watched God's glory unfold in a sunset that set the lake on fire

with rosy pinks and bold streaks of orange.

And in this quiet, serene moment,

I felt him tell me the same thing he's been saying over & over again

I'm right beside you.

You're mine.

Because my struggle is a strong one,
and it's called loneliness.

It reminded me of a quote I loved from church this week.

It reminded me of things I've learned from Exodus 3.

"God shows up in the wildernesses of our lives,

He's there in the insignificant thorn-bushes

We just have to turn aside and acknowledge his presence."

Right now feels very ordinary, lonely,
desolate, dry.

I feel like I'm in between, waiting.

But each day, as ordinary as it may seem,

I'm determined to keep expressing my trust in His will

by everyday following his simple leadings.

Seen.

I'm a person who gets excited about a new stage.

"Back to school" shopping is one of the best things ever.

Even though I never actually stopped going to school,

I graduated in May,

started my graduate school program in June,

finished a semester's worth of work,

and am now beginning new classes this week...

I still spent some dollars on new notebooks,

some pretty, colorful pens,

and a new journal.

I'll take every excuse I can think of to begin anew.

I want to take the chances of change to re-think my way of living.

I want to read my Bible more often, and get back on track with my reading plan.

I want to open my journal and express my thought-life on paper.

I want to pray for the things I tell people I will pray for.

But I've also been re-thinking this blog.

My goals for this blog are simple: 

I want to encourage & give hope through honesty.

I've been challenging myself recently to be a little more vulnerable.
to let myself be a little more seen.

Sometimes I err on the introverted side so much
that no one knows where I am anymore.

what I'm thinking,

what my hopes are,

why my struggles are.

That's why I blog.

Because this is my sharing place.

Key words are 

transparency, genuineness, congruency.

My hope is that those who read this blog will walk away thinking,

"I'm so glad I'm not the only one."
That in the end this blog wouldn't really be about me at all.

My biggest hope is that we will all walk away and
be real in relationship with those around us,

That sharing would not stop in cyberspace.

Because whether we know it or not, 

everyone's heart is broken somewhere,

and our struggles are oftentimes more similar than we think.

Crazy Love.

It's been repetitive,

this conversation about love & marriage.

"Don't girls just date boys so they can be married?"

I'm going take a risk & say,

at least from my heart,
and the hearts of girls I've been talking to,

no way.

No. 

I don't date to be married.

The emphasis is on so many other places.

I want more than marriage.

Sure.

There are girls out there who are preoccupied

a pretty dress,

having a family
finding Security

that they marry someone they have learned to love.

Yes.

I've had my chance.

I've dated guys who wanted marriage.

But what I really want, 

more than marriage,

is love, lasting love.

Great love.

The kind others can't make sense of.

The kind that connects me to someone else 

in a way I've never experience before.

The kind that doesn't exist without selflessness.

The kind that endures life's tendency to grow cold.
The kind that is only upstaged by Divine love.

Maybe.

This sounds crazy.

I sound like a romantic.

I need a dose of reality.

I've read to many love stories.

But I want to believe in a fit.

I want to be someone's other half.

The reality is there are heights and depths. 

Good times and bad times.

No.
I'm not waiting on the ideal Prince Charming.
I'm waiting on real life love.

I'm not married because I haven't found great love.
 ...because my heart won't let me give up on it.

(If you need some help believing
in human love & Divine Love again,

read this book)

To be in love, as to see beauty, is a kind of adoring that turns the lover away from self. Just seeing Davy asleep, defenceless and trusting and innocent, could tear my heart, then in that first spring or a dozen years later. When we first fell in love in dead of winter, we said, ‘If we aren’t more in love in lilactime, we shall be finished.’ But we were more in love: for love must grow or die. Every year on our anniversary we said, ‘If we’re not more deeply in love next year, we shall have failed.'

Learning

I am learning to stop looking around.

at the way others treat me,

at my circumstances,

at my relationship status.

I'm learning to look inside,

at my heart,

my fears,

my prejudices,

& evaluate exactly how they affect me.

I'm seeing some things I don't like.

My lack of vulnerability,

my half-heart,

my fears.

I'm also seeing that we all are,

we are all wounded.

And yes, I'm learning to be a counselor.

I hope to affect change in other's lives,

in my community,

in my world.

But I need to make sure that I'm not afraid to be the one sharing.

I can't be a listener forever.

Sometimes, oftentimes, I am going to need to speak.

Remind Me.

"With a strong affirmation of our goodness
and a gentle understanding of our weakness,
God is loving us
--you & me--
this moment,
just as we are and not as we should be"
-Brennan Manning

I am a perfectionist.

I have super high standards for myself.

I have goals that I strain towards everyday.

It's a fight not to look back 

at my conversations,

my daily tasks,

my homework,

and not think of ways I could have done better,

said more,

been kinder,

tried harder.

It's such a good reminder that God isn't...

He isn't measuring me.

"There is nothing any of us can do to increase his love for us
and nothing we can do to diminish it."
-Brennan Manning.

That's the kind of freedom
I need to be reminded of every day.

Picture it.

My Perfect Life.

A book I am reading asked me to 

close my eyes & picture

my perfect life.

And I couldn't do it.

It's so blurred.

It sometimes hurts to dream.

I would like to share life with others,

I want adventure, a daring life.

I would like to be a helper to the helpless.

A friend to the lonely.

I would like to live life to it's fullest.

I want freedom.

 I don't have a picture of what that looks like.

But he is slowly painting in the spaces.

"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness.
We don't know what God wants us to pray for.
But the Holy Spirit prays for us
with groaning that cannot be expressed in words.
And the Father who knows all hearts
knows what the Spirit is saying,
for the Spirit pleads for us believers
in harmony with God's own will.
And we know that God causes
everything to work together
for the good of those who love God
& are called according to His purpose for them."
Romans 8:26-28

Because He is the God of every day.

He knows my heart.

And I am in harmony with His will.

Nothing.

A near stranger asked me a question the other day.

One that I haven't been able to shake.

"Why haven't you found the right guy yet?"

He went on to presume 

That either there's something wrong with the kind of guys I date...

Or there must be something wrong with me.

He asked if I was a hoarder or something equally secretly weird.

(And just so you know, the only thing I have tendencies to hoard is books).

But what if it is neither?

What if there's nothing wrong?

What if this is how it is supposed to be?

Why can't it be okay this way?

I've heard a lot of similar statements lately.

Ones that aren't meant to be hurtful.

But sting, nevertheless.

"I'll have a friend that I would just love to set you up with."

"Wait, weren't you just dating someone? What went wrong?"

And I just want to say,

There's nothing wrong with me because I'm single.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.

I'm growing in my knowledge of God,

of the things I'm passionate about.

I'm making use of the talents God has given me,

and I'm exactly where he wants me to be.

There's nothing better than to be than in His will.

Here's to coming to grips with finding my purpose

 in going to graduate school,

in serving others daily at my job,

in spending time with my family,

in being okay with today.

Glimmers

"I am restless,
prone to wonder.
And yet glimmers of holy keep interrupting my glaze."
--Winner

Like every loving example of Christ & His bride 

I've seen in every wedding I've been to this summer.

Like a look shared between two best friends
volumes spoken, without a single word.

Like a friend whose eyes are fixed on Christ

in the midst of losing his mother.

Like a past you see yourself freed from.

Like the bits of commonality I can find

in a 2 minute conversation with a Starbucks customer.

Like coming home.

Heaven is all around us.

Starting Over.

I get so weary of trying to prove myself to everyone.

I have no theology to back this up,

but I believe it with my heart:

Heaven: a place where we will simply & always be known.

Finding Him

It used to be so easy. 

He was in my space everyday.

I would bump into Him in every friendly conversation,

every classroom experience,

every work meeting.

My job, my life, my schoolwork

it all revolved around Him.

Nowadays, 

it's just harder.

I went from directing women's Bible studies

to handing hot drinks out of a drive-thru window.

I went from eating, sleeping, and breathing with Godly roommates

in a small yellow apartment

to having to call, plan, and meet best friends in coffee shops

while living in my childhood bedroom, alone.

I went from having a mentor,

& being a mentor

to just attending church, 

trying to connect in the busy-ness that is city life.

I went from knowing every face and personal story in my classroom

to a brand new group of classmates,

whose names I still don't know.

It's hard, 

change.

And I have been trying to find Him here,

at Starbucks,

with my family,

with high school best friends.

I know He's here.

His presence is all around me.

Constantly loving & saving.

Never leaving.

If only I could learn to rest in knowing I'm in His will,

and remember that it is in the valleys that our character is molded the most.

Honestly.

Faith. Trust. Hope. 

The things I keep asking the Lord to foster in me. 

But if I'm honest, 

the thing that I keep resenting

and being bitter about 

is my singleness.

There is this lie that I can't keep away,

telling me that 

God must love him or her more,

because they are settling into a "dream life" 

with their "perfect match"

While I settle into a known life

here at home.

I miss adventure,

being known,

feeling human acceptance.

I know that I should love this time of singleness,

that I won't ever get it back.

I can make a list of all the things

I couldn't do right now if I were in that place

(Like a counselor made me do once)

But I still can't help hating it. 

It's one day at a time, 

growing to believe in God's good purposes for me.

to fall in love with the Lover of my soul.

to memorize Truth as a replacement to these lies.

Paul's prayer is my prayer:

 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more & more, with knowledge & all discernment, so that you may prove what is excellent, and so be pure & blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory & praise of God."(Philippians 1:9-11)