Hurt for the Healing.

Sometimes I get really

bogged down & captured

under the weight of everything that has

gone wrong.

Our world, our relationships, our cities...they aren't supposed to be like this.

I sit in class and learn about the terrible conditions

children around the world are forced to deal with daily.

Child Soldiers

Parental abuse

Sex Trafficking.

"The younger, the better."

I sit in my room and research foster care and family crisis.

Big words that just mean broken lives.

I memorize statistics and know how many children live in a shelter.

Big numbers that equal a lot of need.

And it's so easy to be emotional--sad or angry.

But it's not enough.

It's when I get a text from my boyfriend that says,

"God is doing big things here.

We just helped feed 90 kids when a snow day happens"

that I remember all the ministries and missions

who are hoping to heal hurt.

And it just so happens that someone I care about is there,

Working paid and unpaid hours in order to do something.

Thank you.

Knowing makes it easier that you're not here.

I still know that this is not how its supposed to be,

but I also need to remember that there's hope now,

and there's hope in the future.

When there will be no more tears.

This girl.

This quote is on my desk:

This person that you are now;

Remember her,

And don't lose sight:

Don't campare your life progress to others

I so easily forget my values.

The reasons and purposes

to my doing.

And sometimes I need a reminder.

My values:

Healing. Safety. Loving others well. Listening. Reconciliation.

Shedding His light on people's darkness.

Sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I blend in.

Sometimes I lose.

I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."--Jesus (John 8)

Valuable.

Control.

I've been controlled, and I like being in control.

But when we hold on so tightly to someone

that we can't let them go...

to be who they are,

to pursue what they love,

to do what they feel called to,

we steal their freedom

and we forget about grace.

Acceptance.

I want to accept others just as they are.

Letting go.

I want to release others to God.

I want to be supportive of other's decisions.

I want to extend real grace to others.

"Acceptance means you are valuable just as you are. It allows you to be the real you. You aren't forced into someone else's idea of who you really are. It means your ideas are taken seriously since they reflect you. You can talk about how you feel inside and why you feel that way--and someone really cares. You feel safe."--William Barclay.

Safety.

Freedom.

Love.

Seeking to please only God.

Leaving behind the people pleaser.

Accepting others.

Learning is a journey.

Realize.

"When the bold branches bid farewell to rainbow leaves--Welcome wool sweaters"

-B. Cybrill

Today, I am thankful for..

Grace.

Love.

Family.

Stuart.

Crisp airy outdoor runs.

Being so close to finishing a year-long project.

Words.

Dreams.

Truth.

Variety.

This process.

And I don't need anything more.

I'm starting to realize that who I am is enough.

I'm beginning to be done with comparison.

I want to be the individual God created me to be.

Sing.

But I will sing of your strength;

I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning

For you have been to me a fortress

and a refuge in the day of distress.

O my Strength, I will sing praises to you,

for you, O God, are my fortress,

the God who shows me steadfast love.

Ps. 59:16,17

Listing.

This week I will...

...meet with those 4 girls I keep meaning to get coffee with.

...learn something new about grace & share it with someone.

...attend & read at a poetry reading downtown. (1 brave thing).

...give (time, effort, love) to 5 people.

...incessantly call my brother until he picks up.

...spend real time with the boy.

...pray for the first 30 minutes of each day.

...write those 3 letters to those 3 people.

...post something to pinterest.

...run a relay half marathon with my runner buddies in tulsa.

Myself.

Sometimes I get really caught up

thinking about what others are thinking.

about me,

my relationships,

my decisions,

my dreams.

It's letting other people tell me how to think,

what to believe,

how to act.

It's letting a judgmental word ruin a perfect day.

It's letting other's standards measure who I am.

And I'm really, really tired of it.

I'm a quiet person who doesn't like crowds,

I'm a writer and a thinker,

I don't talk without contemplating my words first.

I don't share my inner self with just anyone.

I can be really insecure.

I believe in God's goodness,

I'm trying to claim his grace.

I'm sensitive to hurtful words.

I really like sterling silver rings.

I'm wounded easily.

I can't sing harmony.

I struggle to feel good enough.

I like a boy named Stuart.

I feel most alive when I'm having a one-on-one conversation.

I want to free people from the chains they let bind them.

I really like baking in the kitchen to some Amy Winehouse.

"You cannot try to please people or live your life being afraid of people. There is only One to please and to fear on this earth, and that is God.

Those who seek to please God only are invincible from within."

I'm tired of being a people pleaser.

I'm tired of being afraid of you.

Dazzling

I keep asking the Lord to show me how He sees me.

And the newest word is dazzling.

I went to a worship service last night,

and the picture that spoke to my heart was

"When we arrive at eternity's shore,

when death is just a memory

and tears are no more,

We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring,

Your bride will come together and we'll sing,

You're beautiful."

He's dazzling,

and I'm a reflection of His brilliance.

4 months ago

from a journal on 6.22.11::

"God, I feel unloved, unworthy, and insecure. I am overwhelmed with my own frailties.

Please, help me realize my worth is in you.

Help me to see myself as one dearly loved, precious, and honored in your sight.

I will take heart. I will ask for courage. Because you are the one my strength comes from."

It's good to look back. It's good to be here.

Arise, shine.

Arise, shine, for your light has come,

and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.

...

Then you shall see and be radiant;

your heart shall thrill and exult,

your heart shall tremble and grow wide.

...

but the Lord will be your everlasting light,

and your God will be your beauty.

Isaiah 60: 1, 6, 19

He has made us beautiful.

What if we lived like it,

stepped out of the darkness of shame,

lived in the light,

like the redeemed people we are,

and let Him display his beauty through us.

Regardless

"That which God said to the rose, and caused it to laugh in full-blown beauty, He said to my heart, and made it a hundred times more beautiful."--Rumi

Today I sat and asked the Lord to give me words.

Words that describe the way he sees me.

&

he calls me:

Beloved.

Free.

Without Blemish.

Full of Grace.

My love will never grow cold.

Regardless.

&

he gave me a role:

Go.

Love.

Serve.

Care.

Listen.

You are my ambassador.

I have given you the ministry of reconciliation.

Don't receive my grace in vain.

(2 Corinthians 5&6)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us."---2 Corinthians 5:17-21

Living.

I'm going through a period of questioning.

I've been questioning my motives for service and love,

my understanding of grace,

and even some of the Christian words I have grown up hearing.

I know a lot of information.

I'm good at talking like a Christian,

I "lift up" friends in prayer,

and I wish to "glorify" the Lord with my life.

I'm tired of living like this.

So like everyone around me.

I fit in far too well.

There has to be more than this.

Today God showed me a little more clearly

what it looks like to "glorify" Him.

God is glorified when we live in such a way

that he may display His beauty.

That makes so much more sense to me.

I want my actions

and motives

and thoughts

to be pure

so that He can display his beauty through them.

"..and you shall know that I, the Lord, am your Savior and your Redeemer, the Mighty one of Jacob."

Isaiah 60:16

At the moment.

I am...

...grappling with the idea of grace (still).

...taking steps towards balance.

...loving having a kitchen to play in.

...a little done with baking pumpkin things and ready for peppermint Christmas things. (Guess that's what I get for starting on pumpkin in September).

...desperate for my ankle to heal so I can start running again.

...struggling with guilt from the pressure I put on myself. It's like I have some type of mental standard that I can never quite reach. I feel it after every conversation spoken, every accomplishment finished, every devotion and quiet time done. I worry that I'm letting people down, that I don't do enough, that I do too much. It's called perfectionism and it's a daily struggle.

...trying to see myself the way He sees me. (Maybe this will help the above ridiculousness).

...looking at grad schools and jobs in KC and dreaming about what God has in store.

...thankful for dependable and reciprocating friends.

...still slightly giddy over a new relationship with a boy who challenges me to find joy in each day.

...praying this: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope"...for me, for you.

(Romans 15:13).

Enamored.

I've been asking God to show me who I am

past comparisons,

or self-imposed standards

expectations,

or attempts to please others.

I want to see myself the way God sees me.

And the word that comes to mind is enamored.

We have a God who is enamored with us.

Who gives us beauty for ashes

blessing

praise

honor

everlasting joy

a new name.

. . .

Your new name will be "The City of God's Delight"

and "The Bride of God,

for the Lord delights in you

and will claim you as his bride.

Isaiah 62:4

Hephzibah, "my delight is in her"

I am loved.

Grasping Grace.

I haven't been living like I have been given grace.

I'm a perfectionist,

a people pleaser;

I'm determined,

a goal seeker.

And I've been running in circles

trying to earn God's love.

It's not about salvation for me;

It's about being lovable.

But this past week I've been shown some powerful truths.

"I have never stopped loving her"

God loves us even when we are unlovable.

Nothing I can do will impress God,

Jesus did that through His scars.

What I do for God isn't important,

it's about what He has done for me.

Grace is free, I can't buy it.

I have peace with God.

I still don't get it.

I feel a little lost when I read Romans.

But like my spiritual mentor said to me,

"If you grasp this, it's going to change your life."

"Grace received but unexpressed is dead grace. To spend one's time debating how grace is received or how much commitment is necessary for salvation, without getting into what is means to live by grace and enjoy the magnificent freedom it provides, quickly leads to a counterproductive argument. . .My plea is that we claim it and allow it to set us free. When we do, grace will become what it was meant to be--really amazing. When that happens, our whole countenance changes."--Charles Swindoll, The Grace Awakening

Guide.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm not. I'm just looking at my bright star."

"I'm doing exactly the same thing."

I sought the Lord and he answered me

and delivered my from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant,

and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Ps. 34: 5

Thanks for looking to the Lord with me.

Awake.

I love the morning hours.

Running with a prayerful friend,

thanking God for what we have,

lifting concerns and worries up,

and then letting go.

Making sticky heart waffles,

just because,

and then sharing with sleepy friends.

Coffee with homemade creamer.

An open window.

Sunny breeze.

Gentle reminders of surrender, steadfast love:

I remember the days of old;

I meditate on all that you have done;

I ponder the work of your hands.

I stretch out my hands to you;

my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,

for in you I trust.

Make me know the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

Psalm 143: 5,6 & 8

I am awake, and I am still with you.

Disenchanted.

There's this broken part of me,

that always wants to love something created

instead of the creator.

There's this tension in me,

to chase things created by God

instead of God.

I see it in my dreams,

in my hopes,

in my hurts,

in my anxiousness,

in my pursuits.

"Everyone must live for something. Something must capture our imaginations, our heart's most fundamental allegiance and hope. But, the Bible tells us, without the intervention of the Holy Spirit, that object will never be God himself."--Tim Keller, Counterfeit Gods

False loves.

You disappoint

You are so empty;

God.

The riches of your love will always be enough.

The hope you give will never disappoint.

I'm running to your arms.

Singing this song,

praying it will become true

in me.

My heart will sing

no other name.

Jesus.

Pursuit.

Love.

I think it's the most complicated command of all.

I think it's sometimes the hardest action to give.

Love anyways.

Even when the giving seems endless,

and the taking begins to empty you.

Pursue love.

The 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love

that doesn't insist on it's own way.

that is not irritable

or resentful.

The kind that bears all things,

endures all things.

Because someday,

you might just find somebody who loves

as strongly and sacrificially as you love.

Together you'll make the world better.

Let love purify you.

Let love make you stronger.

Sweet Dreams

I like Pinterest,

because it puts pictures to my dreams.

Newest dream...

have a cupcake cafe.

Because you can't be

stressed & bake at the same time.

Conquest.

I feel pursued.

The Lord has completely been showing me His love.

Lately.

This verse feels true:

Cheer up, Zion!

Don't be afraid!

For the Lord you God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Zephaniah 3:16-17

I mean, that's what

every sunrise

sunset,

budding lily,

and answered prayer

is:

God's way of wooing us to himself.

"My whole hearts has not one single grain,

this moment,

of thirst after approbation.

I feel alone with God;

He fills the void;

I have not one wish,

one will,

one desire,

but in Him;

He hath set my feet in a large room.

I have wondered

and stood amazed that God should

make a conquest of all within me by love."

--Lady Huntington

He is delighting and rejoicing and pursuing you,

look for it.

Unafraid.

Today I followed some sweet leadership,

and I did my devotions on a dock in the Ozarks.

I was inspired by the boats

and the wind

and the sound of the waves,

and the dad who walked behind me saying to his son,

"look, can you imagine walking on water?"

so I read that crazy part in Matthew,

where Jesus walks on the water

during a storm.

It seemed so much more doable on flannel board.

But I just love the words Jesus' speaks to the frightened disciples,

"Take heart, it is I. Do not be afraid." Matt. 14:27

Rest in that.

My Help

Do not put your trust in princes,

in a son of man,

in whom there is no salvation.

When his breath departs,

he returns to the earth,

on that very day his plans perish.

Blessed is he

whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the Lord his God,

who made heaven and earth,

the sea,

and all that is in them,

who keeps faith forever;

who executes justice for the oppressed,

who gives food to the hungry.

Ps.146: 5-8

Who is your help?

Who is your hope?

Let my answer be you, Lord.

I wait for the Lord,

my should waits,

and in his word I hope;

my soul waits for the Lord

more than the watchmen for the morning.

Ps 130: 5&6

Dwell

"I want you to stop planning,

stop wishing,

and allow me to give you

the most thrilling plan existing--

one you can't imagine.

I want you to have the best.

Please allow me to bring it to you."

Psalm 37:23,24

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord,

when he delights in His way."

I'm dwelling in the land, Lord,

I'm committing my way to you.

Come near.

Blessing, Outrageous

I've been praying for more joy,

the kind that comes from obedience.

I've been finding beauty everywhere I look,

the kind that must have been touched by Him.

I've been writing a little,

and exploring a lot.

Life is full of blessings,

the outrageous kind.

It's a journey,

this living.

New Heights

I've been thinking a lot about mountains lately.

A few weeks ago my family climbed Quandary Peak--

one of the easier 14ers in Colorado.

It was more fun than difficult, and of course the view was beautiful.

But I was sitting at the top, waiting for my parents to catch up,

when I realized I hadn't depended on God at all for strength or perseverance.

I hadn't even thought about Him all morning.

And here I was surrounded by His beauty...

I don't want to be one of those people who takes small bites,

just as much as they can handle, no more.

I want to take huge steps of faith,

even if I don't know where I'm going.

The kind where the only way I can stand

is if He's giving me the strength.

The kind that depends on His love

just to take another step.

Because with His power, I can do a whole lot more.

"What I really need is the deep ocean of God's love and the high mountains of His truth within me. His wisdom has depths and heights that neither the ocean nor the mountain can contain and that can not be compared with jewels, gold, or precious stones. Christ is wisdom and He is our deepest need."--Margaret Bottome

Adventure

I'm craving one.

Care.

So be careful.

Share.

"If you aspire to be a person of consolation,

If you want to share the priestly gift of sympathy,

If you desire to go beyond giving commonplace comfort

to a heart that is tempted,

And if you long to go through the daily exchange of life

with the kind of tact that never inflicts pain,

Then you must be prepared to pay the price for a costly education--

For like Christ, you must suffer."

-Fredrick William Robinson

Everyday I become a little more sure

that I will do whatever it takes

to live a life for others.

For Us

A prayer I've been praying:

Give us pure hearts.

Teach us, compel us, to hunger

and thirst for righteousness.

God, we don't want hearts of stone.

We want hearts that are tender.

We want hearts that break

when your heart breaks;

We want hearts that cry

when your heart cries.

Hearts that are torn by injustice,

that cry out for peace.

I want to be more like you;

start with my heart.

Matthew 5:8-10

God blesses those who are merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure,

for they will see God.

God blesses those who work for peace,

for they will be called children of God.

Today's Living

Singleness.

I'm trying to embrace it,

trying to be thankful for it,

trying to find contentment despite it.

I'm trying not to wish I was like my friends

who are getting engaged or married.

I'm trying to focus on

the ways I can serve, single.

the friends I have, who are single

the ministry I'm available to, single.

Elisabeth Elliot says we should accept our singleness as a gift.

This gift for this day.

"The life of faith is lived one day at a time,

and it has to be lived---not looked forward to

as though the "real" living were around the next corner.

It is today for which we are responsible.

God still owns tomorrow."

-Elisabeth Elliot

Patience, Surrender, and Trust are all holding hands in my life right now.

Fear Not

I've been afraid lately.

Afraid of leaving a past community,

of building and becoming part of a new community.

Afraid of living at home again,

of becoming comfortable,

of being my own accountability.

I've been afraid that God won't come through when it's just me.

I am so weak.

Today God gave me this verse:

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

whose trust is in the Lord.

He is like a tree planted by water,

that sends out is roots by the stream,

and does not fear when heat comes,

for its leaves remain green,

and is not anxious in the year of drought,

for it does not cease to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17: 7-8

That verse reminds me to trust,

to fear not,

to not be anxious,

and to keep bearing fruit.

His love is strong.

Next

I'm not sure what's going to happen next;

but I'm trusting that God does.

In the meantime,

I'm going to be intentional about today,

bask in the beauty of new friends,

and be thankful for the right now.

Trying Hard.

Let love be genuine.

Abhor what is evil;

hold fast to what is good.

Love one another with brotherly affection.

Outdo one another in showing honor.

Do not be slothful in zeal,

be fervent in spirit,

serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope,

be patient in tribulation,

be constant in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the saints

and seek to show hospitality.

Romans 12:9-12

This verse means a lot to me right now.

I feel like I need to be changed.

I see so much wrong with my heart, soul, and mind.

Each day is a fight to focus;

to continue to hope,

to continue to love,

to find contentment.

And I try to put up this strong front,

I don't allow myself to be hurt.

But that is just so exhausting.

It is so much better to surrender.

I just can't quite figure out how to get to that place,

and stay there.

Again & Again

Psalm 37:2-7

Trust in the Lord and do good.

Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Take delight in the Lord,

and He will give you your heart's desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.

Trust him, and he will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,

and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,

and wait patiently for him to act.

This is the verse that's highlighted in both of my Bibles

with the words "Summer 2011" etched in the margin.

There it is again...patience.

Be Real.

I like it when people are

real

and honest

and themselves.

Quit trying so hard.

Out there.

I'm one of those people who tends to

follow my heart,

act spontaneously,

and do what I believe in.

I believe that God orchestrates,

He closes and opens doors,

He brings us into relationship with other

like-minded people,

and He puts passions and dreams into our hearts.

Sometimes those dreams start out as whispers,

and grow year by year into something so strong

that a few words from a stranger can bring tears to our eyes

and a possibility can make our hearts beat faster.

For me,

that dream is going to India & Nepal.

And right now there's a door standing wide open,

and friends and family holding out their hands,

but for the first time I'm feeling

a little doubtful,

a little scared,

of following my heart.

But I guess I need to remember who I believe in.

A powerful God who asks us to do powerful things for Him.

"Ask great things of God,

expect great things from God

& attempt great things for God."

-William Carey

Sometimes waiting on the Lord looks like surrender.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

Psalm 37:4

Praying that the desire of my heart

would align with His desires for me.

Pictured Perfectly.

I used to picture my perfect job:

working at home,

sitting at a finely decorated desk,

with a large screen computer,

staring out my window at a picturesque setting,

writing.

Comfortable,

safe,

using my talents.

But God has been challenging that lately.

With so many needs,

injustice,

persecution.

So many helpless,

so many lost.

Maybe He's calling me to the streets

instead of a life of shelter;

to a life of active advance,

instead of to a life of quiet retreat;

to a life of community,

instead of solitude.

to a life that makes so very little of me & my talents

in order to make much of Him & His glory.

Matthew 28:19 haunts me.

"Go and make disciples of all the nations,

baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you."

Vineyards & Deserts

I was recently asked if I have a life verse...

I don't know if I could choose one verse,

but this is the one I immediately thought of:

Hosea 2:14-15

But then I will win her back once again.

I will lead her into the desert

and speak tenderly to her there.

I will return her vineyards to her

and transform her Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.

That verse makes me think of

loneliness & hard places

rebellion & return

transformation & hope.

There can be vineyards in the desert.

"We tend to want to pick our blessings from the tree

while they are still green,

yet God wants us to wait

until they are fully ripe."

Seriously, read Hosea 2, all of it.